26 January 2011

A Letter to My Son, on His Fifth Birthday

Dear Gabriel,

Today, you are five.

I love you.
I love you a thousand times, and then a thousand times over again.
We butt heads, sometimes.
We blow up at each other, sometimes.
I love you.
It always swirls back to I love you, whispered into your hair in the night, kissed onto your eyelids when you have a bad dream.
I love you.

You spend hours playing, working on art projects, asking me how to spell words.  You are so very bright, so attentive, so independent and yet so loving.
We've had a difficult year, with preschool and preschool and preschool again. 
It seems like an impossibly big job sometimes, this task of raising you up into the man that you will become.  I'm not sure if I'm good enough or big enough or enough enough, but I try.
I love you and I try. 
I may never be enough but I will always try.
I have done my best to surround you with stability and happiness and love. 

You are so sweet, so sensitive. 
Your feelings run deep and your thoughts run quick and I see you fall down and I see it, I see you and I see me in you and I see what's happening, and I can't always fix things but I always try to understand.  
You don't have all the tools yet, to cope with your world, the life you have ahead of you.  And while one of my deepest wishes is that you didn't have to process and make sense of and reconcile some of the aspects of your surroundings, so many of them thrust upon you and outside of your control, I am so proud of you.
At five years old you have navigated life and death and upheaval and friendship and loss.
The questions you ask and the observations you make are so pointed, so poignant.  It blows me away and leaves me gasping for breath, the depth of your personhood. 

Today, on your fifth birthday, I want you to know that I'm proud of you.
I love you, and I am proud of you, and I wish you the happiest day.
I wish you the happiest future, and I will do my best to make it for you.

It is a joy to be your mother.

Have the happiest day.

SF Zoo, 2/21/10
Gabriel, 2/22/10
Park Sacramento 3/14/10
Swim Lessons 3/16/20
Lazy Sunday Mornings
Park, 4/7/10
Kite Flying/Bridge Walking
Gabriel's Art
Walk 10/11/10
In his hat from @zoeyjane
Morning Snuggles

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