17 May 2010

Dairy & Bra Shopping! Together for the First Time!

Okay so I know that the eating of cheese and the buying of bras are generally unrelated but for me, right now, they are totally intertwined in such a way where when I'm trying to tell you about my newfound dairy intolerance I can't do it without talking about bras, and I can't talk about how much I hate bras without talking about dairy.  AND I WANT TO TELL YOU! ABOUT BOTH!  So we're slamming these together, for my sanity.  Thank you and you're welcome.

DAIRY SAYS FUCK YOU AND LEAVES ME CRYING LIKE A SCHOOL GIRL

Late last year I started having bizarre food/health issues.  And....I started puking?  All the time?
It was really weird, because I'm totally not a puker, and I'm generally a pretty healthy person.  It took me months to specifically isolate the problem, but on Christmas Eve of ought nine I drank a tall glass of milk and immediately vomited.  At that point I started thinking back and there was a clear line to be drawn between dairy consumption days and puking days.  They were the same days, you see.  
So.
Dairy.
That really sucks.
It's one thing if dairy gives you a tummy ache, because maybe that's a risk you're willing to run.  It's entirely another if macaroni and cheese leaves you retching on the bathroom floor.
WELCOME TO MY NEW DAIRY FREE LIFESTYLE
I've lapsed a couple times, but always with extremely unpleasant vomiting results (a strong motivator), so 2010 has essentially been dairy free.  Did you know that it's a lot easier to go to a restaurant and get something without meat than it is to get something without dairy?
It sucks.
Also, people keep referring to me as a vegan.  I'd say my willingness to eat cows invalidates that label, but whatevs.

AMERICAN CHEESE ISN'T FOOD BUT IT FILLS THE VOID

So! No cheese! That sucks! Balls!
You know what I can eat that doesn't make me sick?
American Cheese!
I'm sure its molecular structure more closely mirrors wax than food.
But sometimes you really, REALLY want to eat something cheesy and delish. 
And I can eat American Cheese.
(Also cheddar & sour cream Ruffles.)
I'm not about to head out and stock up on Velveeta slices, but it's nice to know that when I'm hungover and crabby, I can still get my signature grilled cheese with bacon and avocado, with a side of breakfast potatoes. 
Thank the sweet lord baby jesus, etc.


YOU TOOK MY CHEESE AND CHEESE STOLE MY BOOBS AND ALL OF YOU ARE FIRED

I can't eat cheese, I've lost some weight.  These things are bound to happen.
And weightloss, I'm for it, in a general sense.  Except that, hey!  Where did my boobs go again?  I can't seem to find them.  Strange because my PANTS seem to be the same SIZE and TIGHTNESS, but my boobs are lost and drowning inside of their capacious molded cups.  The bra that I wear (since discontinued, but when it existed it was the VS full coverage uplift bra), while not PADDED, is definitely THICK, and STRUCTURED, so it's not like it forms to my smaller boobs.  With a t-shirt on my bra is still taking up the same amount of space, making my ta-tas look roughly the same size.
It finally got to a point a couple weeks ago where my sad little bewbs were swimming around in my too-big bras and ENOUGH! I had had enough!  I took myself bra shopping.
::shudder::
Megan recommended the VS Naked Bras, which are what I bought (two of them) and I quite like them.  They are appropriately structured/supportive, without being all KAPOW and full of padding.

BECAUSE PADDED BRAS ARE STUPID

So my boobs.  They fall somewhere respectably in between fabulously perky cheerleader and African refugee.  They're not without flaws, but they're pretty okay, most of the time.  
The thing about padded bras is this:  It's always the bottom part of the bra cup with the padding, which, for me, is horrible.  Cuz it just sort of pushes my boob OUT of the bra and weirdly into the middle in such a way where my my nipple might make a jump for freedom AT ANY MOMENT.  It's neither comfortable nor flattering.  I don't go for padded bras.
Of course, I also don't like those bras that are like, a single piece of flimsy fabric strung over some wire.  because my boobs, like I said, they aren't perfect. They they require some SUPPORT, dammit.
It is incredibly, mind-bogglingly difficult to find a bra that is structured and lined and whatever without being MIRACLE WONDER MAGIC BRA I MAKE YOUR BOOBIES LOOK STRANGE. 
What's with that, bra makers? 
I'm certain I'm not the only one.
Make more normal bras, fewer creepy ones.
KTHXBAI