13 August 2010

I'LL SHOW YOU TEEEEEEEEETS

Once I went bra shopping, and the bra shopping fancy lady helper used the terms teets and bosoms when referring to my LadyBosomTeets.  She was foreignish sounding but THAT IS NO EXCUSE.
I was 21 years old and perky to the point that if I tell you what size bra I wore you might go back in time just to stab me in the face.  TEETS THEY WERE NOT.
Teets.
Honestly.
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I have a terminal inability to hide when someone makes me feel dead inside. 
It's like OH MAN I HATE YOU AND YOU SUCK THE JOY OUT OF LIVING AND WHY DO YOU HAVE A HEAD?
And then I feel all guilty cuz homeboy is like, DUDE I THINK GRACE HATES ME, and I'm like OH WHAT ME?  NO I DON'T!  NOT YOU!  I LOOOOOOOOVE YOU.
Then I feel all assholey and make an extra point to be nice to someone who makes me want to punch them in the throat.*

*People whom I legitimately DON'T hate who at one point THOUGHT I DID?  Please don't take that the wrong way?
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It has been an unseasonably cold summer.
I wore a wool coat yesterday.
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Hey! So! My birthday's in three weeks?  I'm taking a massive test on the 4th so I want to do something amazing and fun that night.
So let's do that.
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If we're going to be friends, you have to be fun, or nice, or both.
But you can't be neither.
People who aren't fun OR nice don't get to ride the ride.
I can't really be bothered with the fact that I'm not nice and I'm usually not fun either.
I have my standards, and I don't care one fig about doubling them.
Move it along now!
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I smoked like.....some cigarettes in New York.  That's not a particularly big deal because I don't have a smoking PROBLEM, but!  I smoke when I drink with my friends who smoke, and my friends in California mostly don't so then I forget that I have this weird drunk smoking habit.
Until I start doing it again.
And then oh yeah that.
I figure if I smoke half a pack of cigarettes a year, it's not the biggest vice in the world.
I mean, it's nothing compared to my raging narcissistic voyeurism.

8 comments:

  1. Okay, I'll be at your house in three weeks for your birthday.

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  2. I was a heavy 24hrs a day smoker until last October...then I came to my senses and finally managed to quit my disgusting habit....BUT. I reach a certain alcohol ingested level thingymahjiggy? Then I HAVE to have one. Or a bit of one. Whatever. I get it. It's not my biggest vice in my world either......lol.
    Also? I want to come visit with you for your birthday...but I think the laws of gravitiy/timzones/distance might stop me. So have fun! ;)x

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  3. I am great at hiding when people make me crazy.
    So I'm all curled up in bed going "OH MAN I HATE YOU AND YOU SUCK THE JOY OUT OF LIVING AND WHY DO YOU HAVE A HEAD?"

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  4. shit. when do we get to play again? i miss your teets.

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  5. I love you even harder for the last line. I kinda wish it were your tag line. ;)

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  6. I voted for your teets.

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  7. The word 'teets' cracks me up - reminds me of learning how to milk a cow!

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  8. You. Are. Funny.

    Teets reminds of Meet the Parents. When Greg was talking about milking the cat's teets. "I have nipples, Greg. Can you milk me?"

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