30 November 2009

Too Many To Count

Mrs. Flinger came up with something brilliant, [W]rite of Passage. You should go check it out and see if you're interested in joining up.
This first week, the over-achiever beta challenge is to tell your most embarrassing story.
I try very hard not to dwell in my many embarrassments, so as to avoid becoming awash in shame. The best cure for an embarrassment hangover is pretending that none of it ever happened, and my freakishly good memory can quickly become my own worst enemy.
Thinking seriously about this challenge, I found myself paralyzed with mortification as episode after episode after episode of shit-I-never-think-about hit me smack in the face and bloodied up my nose.
I can't pick just one.
Even if I can pick one episode of flinch that is objectively more horrifying than the others, the feelings swirling around the memory are equally intense for all.
So.
Here are some lessons I've learned.
Please to be edifying yourself.

*Science Camp counselors should listen to the 11-year-old when she's dancing around holding her crotch with tears in her eyes. She has to pee. And peeing her pants at eleven is REALLY humiliating.

*Red wine stains.

*Blood stains.

*Vomit stains.

*Bodily.....fluids stain.

*Fainting sucks, and makes one feel like a pansy-ass girl.

*Some people cry when they're mad. If they're anything like me, they HATE it.

*Semen in the eye can cause a raging case of conjunctivitis.

*Getting sick at a friend's house can be horrible.

*Actions can be misconstrued.

*Words as well.

*Telling a simple lie because telling the vastly improbable and convoluted truth seems too hard makes it infinitely more brutal if that lie becomes known.

*Keep secrets close or not at all.

*Don't hook up with friends. Or friends of friends. They all talk. Friends of friends of friends is probably okay.

*Keep the curtains closed.

*Don't let purses or pockets make phone calls.

*It's possible to get a concussion by walking into a wall.

*Laying one's soul bare and open for another person's taking might leave one with nothing left behind.

*If one keeps thoughts and desires and opinions about someone locked up inside of one's head, don't ever drink with that person.

*Keep irrational feelings and thought processes inside the brain.

*Bathroom dreams can be very realistic.

*Don't try too hard to remember childbirth too vividly.

*Discovering a latex allergy in the wrong circumstances can be positively awful and painful and terrifying and oh my god what have I contracted.

*Watch conversations around children.

*Video cameras are neither welcome nor allowed.