24 February 2009

Suffering from acute Donk-Wad-itis

I'm not quite so angry about this now, so some of the vitriol has probably drained from the story. You'll still get the gist.

I was bringing Gabriel to his dad's in Sacramento this weekend; dropping him off Friday night, and continuing on my way to Chico. I wasn't quite sure what time I would be leaving on Friday. Donk-Wad was aware. He asked me to text him when I left SC. I did.

Our usual plan is to meet at the Ikea in West Sacramento, but we hadn't actually spoken on Friday about times or plans or anything else. He asked me to text him when I left, and I did. Then I called him when I hit the 680. When I went over the Benicia bridge. When I hit Fairfield. He never answered the phone. Which is how I found myself 20 minutes outside of Sacramento with no idea where in the bloody hell Gabriel's father might be. I called him about a thousand times then, leaving increasingly angrier messages. I texted him. I called him. I texted him again. Then I was IN Sacramento, and I'm sorry, but when someone has repeatedly proved themselves to be the most singularly unreliable human on the planet, I'm not just going to pull into Ikea on the off chance that he decides to show up/call me back. I'm sorry but that is not a plan. So I called him a final time to tell him that if he couldn't pull his head out of his ass for long enough to answer his phone and arrange to pick up his son, I was driving to Chico with Gabriel, and he could come there and pick him up.

Donk-Wad called just as I was leaving Sacramento.

Furious.

Because it had taken me less time than he had anticipated for me to get to Sacramento.

And that was my fault.

I'm sorry, but you KNOW your kid is coming into town, you might want to, oh I dunno, ANSWER YOUR PHONE? Maybe? Too much to ask? That's fine. How bout you let me know ahead of time? Check it out fucker, you don't even have to TALK to me. You can send me a text message to the tune of, "Hey I'm not gonna have my phone on me, but let's plan on meeting at X time." Because if we had settled on a time, I would have been happy to wait for the FAIL at Ikea, because there would have been some communication, some planning.

OR. OR.

If you totally suck at living your life, and you can't be bothered to answer your phone at any point during the three hours during your son's estimated arrival, when you do call? Just apologize. I mean, I'm driving your child over a hundred miles so that he can see you. A tiny bit of chagrin would carry you far.

Suck.

Anyways, then he was all pissed at me and going, "Well I guess you can just have him for the weekend," which was pretty shitty since Gabriel was fully crying in the backseat about how he just wanted his dad. So I told him that while I wouldn't drive all the way back to West Sacramento, I would meet him in Natomas (the part of Sacramento closest to where I was). So we arranged to meet at the Natomas Safeway. This is about ten minutes away from the Ikea (where he claimed he as waiting for us). I know. I had JUST DRIVEN THAT DISTANCE. I was waiting in that damned parking lot for 40 minutes.

Gah. This was by no means the most ridiculous, the worst, the most depraved, the flakiest, or the least responsible thing he's ever done, but it's the most recent, and I was just so DAMNED mad about it.

My whole life would be happier and better if I could just get myself into a mental space where he couldn't piss me off so much. I'm working on it.

/rant

33 comments:

  1. I agree with Badass Geek. Beat down time. Ass.

    ReplyDelete
  2. If you figure out a way to get to a place where he doesn't piss you off - PLEASE TELL US ALL HOW YOU DID IT.

    ReplyDelete
  3. He's the scum of the earth! I mean, how are you supposed to process his lazy, stupid ass in any productive way when your kid is in the backseat crying his eyes out for him?!?! I'm glad Gabey's around. but Donk-Wad makes a great case for involuntary neutering.
    Daphne

    ReplyDelete
  4. I could feel my blood pressure rising like I was right there in the car with you! Damn! What a Donk-wad!

    ReplyDelete
  5. you actually leave your child with this person? its obvious that his priorities are completely out of whack. you do have a choice as to who you expose your child to. this person seems to only care about the tiny little bubble that he lives in and if he was any sort of man at all he would step up and be a dad and stop being a child in a mans body. it makes total sense why you guys aren't together. Just a little background on me... i've never met my real dad, my mom decided that he was someone who she didn't want influencing her son. i thank her for that today. don't get me wrong, having two parents is a great thing but having one loving parent and one that just 'deals' with having a child is something completely different. sorry, i hope this doesn't come off sounding too dickish, i just get on my soapbox when it comes to parents being assholes to innocent children. ok, i'm finished. have a great day!

    ReplyDelete
  6. @David: First, I don't necessarily disagree, this is a source of ongoing internal debate.

    I had (still have I guess) all these ideas about how when you have a baby you make things work because it's not about you anymore, it's about this other person, and it's your job to bring that person up in the best possible way. Which is why I stayed with Donk-Wad/Sperm Donor for so long (until Gabriel was about 14 months old). Ultimately, I left him because I realized that staying would only teach Gabriel that it's okay to treat a woman the way his father treated me.

    However by that point Gabriel and Donk-Wad already had a very bonded relationship, and despite the asshat's basic lack of human responsibility, he does genuinely love his son, and when they're together, I don't fear for Gabriel's immediate or physical safety. I think he does most of his irresponsible bullshit as a passive-aggressive way to get under my skin, and it's essentially a weakness of mine that he's so good at it.

    BUT. The man has one (or more? I'm unclear on that) child(ren) aside from Gabriel, whom he does not see at all anymore, so I have a very real fear that Gabriel will be abandoned by his father at precisely a point in his childhood when he'll know what's happening, and feel that pain the deepest.

    I run back and fourth between feeling like it's not my place to dictate my son's relationship with his father; I can only be there to support him emotionally if things go bad, and feeling like it's my job as the mother to step in and protect my baby from ever getting hurt in the first place. But can I really keep a boy from his father? That's half of him, after all, and I worry that there might be more resentment/emotional damage if I keep them apart than if I let their relationship run its course. At this point I'm pretty sure that the relationship will run its course.

    Today, I feel like it's my job to stand in the wings, ready to help Gabriel navigate the complicated situation of My Dad Sucks But I'm Okay. If we get to a place of worse, my job will change into something else.

    It's complicated. It's a headache. I dunno.

    ReplyDelete
  7. *really, I run back and forth, not back and fourth. I writes me some GOOD sentences.

    ReplyDelete
  8. Maybe you should shove his phone up his ass! So at least he can communicate while hanging out up in there.

    ReplyDelete
  9. I love you and believe you're a good mom, but...

    DEEP BREATHS.

    This was not the worst "donk wad" story I've heard by a long stretch, but you did seem particularly livid.

    With all of the "fail" references, I thought that he had just bailed on the weekend altogether. No, he doesn't make life easier, but I refuse to believe he actually made life "easier" before Gabriel was in the picture...

    You like a challenge, and lucky you- you'll get to be challenged by him FOREVER.

    ReplyDelete
  10. Urgh! I'd love to spew off a bunch of random obscenities, but that is G's father and won't change him being a pos, lol. The only way I get through the horrid "co"-parenting relationship with my ex is "one day this too shall pass".....mostly to me meaning one day our children will grow up and take their parents for what they are and realize all the sacrificing you did. I so feel for you. BTW my first time posting and your blog is awesome!

    ReplyDelete
  11. I really like your blog and the fact that you failed to mention that you haven't been on time once in the last six months and you had me waiting around all day for the 8th time you you've showed up with Gabriel in a year. Again I am in Sacramento for all of the people that wish they could beat my ass...

    ReplyDelete
  12. I should also point out yet again that, I left you several times (4x) before you moved out and I broke up with you months before you moved out. Attention to details...very mature column though keep up the good work.

    ReplyDelete
  13. Honey. If you need to tell people that you left me, that's fine. Please do. For me? The important part is that we're not together anymore.

    If it makes you feel better to think you're right? Paint that picture however it pleases you.

    If you would just show some follow-through and show up when you're supposed to? Maybe support your child financially? We could have a really lovely relationship.

    ReplyDelete
  14. This comment has been removed by the author.

    ReplyDelete
  15. I left something rather crude, and then noticed that the 'other' was commenting, so I unposted it.

    Girl, if I were on the west coast, I'd be picking up the wine after the 'drop-off' fiasco's. Nothing like a little wine induced relaxation! :)

    ReplyDelete
  16. Oh ... and wouldn't kick you outta bed for eatin' crackers.

    *giggles* LOFF YA!

    ReplyDelete
  17. I would be pacified if you could manage to post in unbiased account of reality which you seem to have no problem doing in other aspects of your life. While I wouldn't blog my life as you do and frankly don't understand, you conveniently leave out your transgressions toward me on a regular basis or least the things I do that are above and beyond being a good dad to my son.
    I also find it interesting that you are contemplating attempting to keep Gabe from me, that should go well with the lawyers and Gabe will understand what happened in the future as I hope you will. I am never passive aggressive and I would have apologized if you had apologized for being late anytime you have brought him to up here. You promised to bring him here every other week when you moved to Santa Cruz. So far we are at the 8th time in a year which you never seem to point out.
    There are valid reasons why we didn't work but this is business and I'd like to keep it that way. I suggest counseling, I will pay for it if it will be received openly...

    ReplyDelete
  18. I'm not trying to keep Gabriel from you. I was explaining to a reader why I don't think it's my place to keep Gabriel from you. A closer reading may have helped.

    ReplyDelete
  19. Hey K? Dear? Shut the fuck up. You're not fooling anyone, and by posting a comment on someone's blog, you validate their words - especially in this case. Start acting like an adult, quit lying about a law degree you'll never have and can't possibly qualify for, and oh, I don't know, PAY YOUR CHILD SUPPORT. You're a shit excuse for a father. Perhaps you should think about apologizing for that.

    Sorry, Miss Grace. :(

    - Daphne

    ReplyDelete
  20. Really then why am I in law school with a readily available roster? If you are bored, look it up, it's public information you know. Not to mention I am sure that my current degrees outweigh yours and my current salary probably triples yours and I don't even know you, Daphne. Is this the same Daphne that Jenny used to call her slut friend from UCSB that slept with everyone she could get her hands on? I hope not...

    ReplyDelete
  21. Lolllll... you're so pathetic. I don't need to know you to know exactly what you're made of.

    Grace must have known another Daphne in college, huh? And I have my masters, sweets, and a phenomenal job. You can't even pay the monthly fee a court mandates you to come up with on behalf of your own child. When does that law degree start paying off? Do they also teach you about how stupid you look in court when you just make shit up? When's the last time you had contact with your other kid? You should be neutered.

    Daphne

    ReplyDelete
  22. I am with Daphne......all the emotional support in the world doesn't pay the bills! And K? as someone with a pretty good BullShit Meter, I have decided that that you are full of it! Unless the roads in California are different than everywhere else in the US, they DO go both ways....If you have enough money to pay for "counseling" how about getting in the car and going to see your son?
    MStockton

    ReplyDelete
  23. I am sure we could point out that I do go see my son twice a month and Daphne you are who Jenny spoke of in college...sorry, if Jenny is not a liar like she says she is, she will admit that herself I am afraid. Ask Paris or Maren if you are curious. Melissa maybe you should ask Jenny about or current driving arrangements or agreements made between us at the onset of Jenny moving to SC that she never fulfilled. Maybe your bullshitometer is not so good.
    I could go on Daphne but I don't know or care about you...good luck in life.

    ReplyDelete
  24. It's amazing. You can't answer for a single thing that you haven't bothered doing for your child. You can't offer an explanation for any of the heartbreaking, unimaginable ways you have totally forsaken him. Instead, you try and attack me personally - someone you met exactly ONCE.

    Here's the difference, Kimate, between you and myself. I have zero regrets in life. I won't even recognize your slimy accusations, they're not worth my time, and it's the typical lie from someone who just has nothing else to say. Shouldn't you be working on your law degree today? I hear those Carribean schools are tougher then they seem.

    - Daphne

    ReplyDelete
  25. I have the day off from work and school and no I am not attacking you for any reason other than you are doing so to me. I don't care what you've done in college, I believe this string has degraded into bashing and finger pointing and I was ready to jump onboard until I realized I was stomping to the maturity level wherein. I apologize for my comments directed at you Daphne because I don't know you and by that definition, I am a hypocrate.

    ReplyDelete
  26. It's "hypocrite." Thanks for playing.
    - Daphne

    ReplyDelete
  27. Can I just say ... what a baby brat ... fookin' hell...

    I'm just waiting for the anonymous post of

    "My daddy can beat up your daddy" Sheesh ... grow the fook up!

    ReplyDelete
  28. I apologize, thanks for the correction. I'd print a retraction but it is already done. I will take that spelling correction with me to the grave if in case I do not have spell check in my future and that word comes up. I will be sure to credit you for knowing how it's spelled.

    ReplyDelete
  29. Holy Grace.

    Look, this is the kind of fernetic word playing jumping around my ex used to do, none of which- not even the points in which he was right- ever have made up for the lack of good parenting, and now our oldest is 14, and let me tell you Grace, our kids? They get smart. They see that although Mom and Dad fight, or disagree, ONE of them still pulls through, always pulls through, and doesn't let anger or excuses get in the way of the WHOLE POINT of it all- which is

    the child. And Grace you've got that.

    the baby, the boy, Gabriel. he is the IT.

    i swear, i have BEEN THERE. work hard, every day, to move away from being entangled in this. I went to counceling and it really helped. I didn't want twenty years of my life in resentment and hurt and anger.

    I'm sorry you have to deal with this kind of pain directed at your baby. I actually got to the point where I felt sorry for my ex. Seriously. I know what he will be missing the rest of his life, from all the let downs and hurt. Our son will never love him like he could have. And you can't. get. that. back.

    ReplyDelete
  30. Ok...first Kimate - the number of degrees and the amount of money do not make a good parent...the character and consistency of your parenting and the responsibility and sacrifices you make for your child are the measure of a parent...and this is Grace's blog so if you don't like what your read here DON"T READ IT!...who cares what her readers think?...surely your friends and family are supportive to you and would not be swayed by anything she would write anyway...right?...get over yourself ...this will all mellow over time...
    Grace - Hang in there Sista!...I have had to be the only consistent responsible parent in my grrrls' life just as you are in Gabe's....you'll eventually be able to swallow his lack of thought...it is so hard to accept that Donk wad is living his life without real parental responsibility while you are the one making the sacrifices but it will get easier...eventually you will find peace in the fact he is pathetic and you are not!
    smooches

    ReplyDelete
  31. Wowee...I clicked on your link from Lola's (Sassy Mama) blog this morning and read clear back to this post. Boy, did it strike a chord, and good Lord, I'm glad my ex doesn't know about my blog. I just wanted to say hi, and that you seem like a great mom. I'm sure I'll be back.

    ReplyDelete
  32. I found this site using [url=http://google.com]google.com[/url] And i want to thank you for your work. You have done really very good site. Great work, great site! Thank you!

    Sorry for offtopic

    ReplyDelete

I live for validation.