03 August 2007

The latest and greatest

Well. K is talking about moving to New York, which would essentially cut him out of Gabriel's life, which sucks. A lot. Gabriel really needs his dad, and I think K really needs Gabriel. And I really need a coparent. The thought of being in Chico completely on my own without any sort of support network for Gabriel is frankly terrifying. I know that I spend most of my time bitching about K, because, well, he drives me absolutely bonkers and, whether it's his fault or not, has really dropped the ball a lot lately. Be that as it may, he REALLY is a good dad, and he and Gabriel have a very special relationship. It breaks my heart that they might lose that, because if he leaves, even if he comes back in a couple years, it'll be totally different. Gabe won't know him anymore. And I understand that financially it's pretty close to impossible for K.Dot to make it here, but I just wish there was a way.
It's crossed my mind that I should let him stay with me for a couple weeks so he can figure his shit out, because then maybe he would stay here for Gabriel, and I've been thinking about that over the past few days, but I really think I CAN'T do it. That's not a boundary that I'm willing to blend. I had a really hard time leaving, and I ultimately did it for my own emotional stability, and I can't jeopardize that by supporting him. Not only that, I literally cannot support him right now. I have no resources. I'm barely getting myself on my feet, and I don't have enough of a leg to stand on for two people. So yeah, I'm a selfish bitch, but at the end of the day, I need my sanity to care for my toddler, and that would push me over the edge.
Basically I'm just saying, I know I've devoted a lot of time to talking about how crazy K is, and how much he's been letting me down. And he is. And he has. But there's a reason we were together for three years. I truly believe he has the best of intentions in his heart, and that he wants to be a good guy. And he always intends to follow through and help me out. And he is a good dad.


I'm freaking out.

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