Because I will not have to preface or further explain a single aspect beyond what I'm about to write down.
So Saturday night I went out with my sister and Jenny Waite. We walked downtown, had margaritas at El Palomar, and then went to the Avenue. Adam Donoghue was there, and we all know how much Jenny loves Adam. So we left, but me and my sister really weren't done. We walked Jenny back to her car which was parked in front of my sister's house. No longer downtown, we decided to go across the street to the Jury Room. They were having a rockabilly band, which was good for the cute boys, but it's a really shitty place for music because it's small and crowded and way too loud, so we left, not really feeling it. We decided to walk farther down Ocean to Callahans (across from WaMu/next to Kragen on Water). We decided to go here because it was close and we had never been, but we knew before we got there that one potential problem was that we were in Fritz's neighborhood, and this was "his" bar.
We walk in.
Allow me to paint a picture. The whole establishment reeks of vomit. The people at the bar are as follows. Two goth girls playing seductively with a red and white striped snake. A very tall man with long, curly, blonde hair which he kept tossing over his shoulders. A group of biker dikes eating pizza, including one bantum weight lesbian only identifiable as such by her breasts, because I think she even had an adam's apple. Two tiny tiny Mexicans playing pool. Three bartenders--a man, a woman, and a slut. The slut was strange because she was actually dressed more conservatively than the other bartender, and was pretty and young, but she had crazed sex eyes and was doing uncomfortable looking dances. And, last but not least, Fritz.
So we order a drink to split (I have to drive home); a gin & tonic. Instead the slut gives us a grey goose and tonic, charges us $4, and gives us $6 change for our five dollar bill. We're drinking our drink, and discussing how one ends up at this bar, which is not exactly a destination bar, if you know what I mean, when Laura accidentally makes eye contact with Fritz, stumbling back from the bathroom. Contact made, we both wave and say "Hi Fritz." He stumbles over. It is instantly apparent that he is hitting on Laura, which is disturbing on many, many levels. Laura however, is in denial, and is choosing to believe that he recognizes her. This goes so far as when he asks "What are your names?" she repeats back "What our my son's names? Simon and Elliot." I say, "No Laura, he's asking our names, he doesn't know who we are."
Laura: We're Laura and Jenny Fritz! We're April's daughters.
Laura: April's daughters. I'm Laura!
Fritz: Ho-ly shit. Did you know I was this close to picking up on you? Did you know I was going to take you home? I mean, you're really hot. Damn. I almost picked up on you! But you're so hot. I can't believe how beautiful you are. I can't believe I almost picked up on you. You're really hot. (To me) Do you know how hot your friend is? You have a really beautiful friend.
This goes on for a while, then he toddles back to his stool, we finish our drinks, and we leave.
Now let me make some points.
1. Even after Laura explicitely said who we were, Fritz still did not understand who I was. That us being sisters meant that I was also April's daughter, a person he had known since she was an infant.
2. Fritz seemed to think that Laura and I (or I guess Laura) was totally in his league. Like he could ever possibly hit on her and proceed to take her home.
3. Laura is praying that Fritz was so hammered (this is likely) that he won't remember, because they live in the same neighborhood, and she has to see him pretty regularly and say hi.
4. If Fritz did manage to bring somebody home, which I doubt, does he understand that he lives in a hole with my uncle Jonothan, and that my cousin Berry may be sleeping under some garbage in the living room, and that Fritz's son Cody shares a room with him?