26 October 2018

Some things are harder when they are in writing

I have very lukewarm feelings about the oncologist I was referred to locally.
(I am going to the big city fancy specialists next week)
I feel like...well. I feel like I am maybe the second person she has ever treated with melanoma. Maybe she is great with breast cancer or colon cancer or something but she doesn't seem to know how to answer any of the questions that I have.
One thing I realized after my most recent appointment with her is that she has never SAID THE WORDS TO ME about what my diagnosis or prognosis or whatever is. She talked to my brother (I gave her permission to talk to my brother) and she INFERRED a lot of things but at no point has she SAID "you have x and your prognosis is y". So I messaged her through the portal and was like what IS my prognosis and to her credit she tried to call me three times and I sent her to voicemail three times and then she responded to my message with this one in the patient portal thingie:

Those words....are a bummer to read.  I mean I wanted to read them. But it sucks. This whole thing sucks!

One thing that specifically sucks is that you get all your brochures about what is melanoma anyways and they are like PREVENTABLE JUST STAY OUT OF THE SUN and also like IF YOU GET REGULAR SKIN CHECKS AND IT'S CAUGHT EARLY IT'S NBD. But....I am a fucking vampire when it comes to sun exposure. I go outside occasionally, with SPF50 and a large sun hat and sun protective clothing. And I go to the dermatologist every fucking year to get my skin checked, which is how we caught this fucking thing in the first place, y'know? And all of my pathology was like stage 0 clear margins clear margins again it's still no big deal and yet here I am with cancer that is a Very Big Fucking Deal.
And it's not like I think anyone ever deserves cancer or it would be fair if I had been soaking in the sun every day or ignoring suspicious moles but the fact that I wasn't and I didn't is just....extra. It feels like extra.

My parents had to put my childhood cat to sleep on Saturday. He was 19 which is a good long life for a kitty but fuck man, seriously?
Life is a bummer right now.


  1. Normally I like to find my favorite parts in a post, but for this Special Edition Comment tm I am going to find my least favorite part, and it is "then the hope is potentially years." That is a very grimly-put hope.

    I'm sorry about the poor kitty.

  2. Sending sympathies for your family cat!

    We all need to STOP BLAMING CANCER PATIENTS!! There is a general assumption that we can avoid advanced cancer with early detection, but that is TOTALLY FALSE. For example, mammography can detect breast cancer but does nothing to prevent aggressive strains from recurring after treatment.

    We need to focus on offering cancer patients love and support and continue funding research and development of life-saving treatments.

  3. Cancer sucks.

    No one deserves it.

    And you get to have all the dark and feisty thoughts you want.

    And I am so glad that you are going to the fancy city doctor.

    I say hound then until they tell the truth. And if they are unable to tell you the truth then keep using your brother to get the truth.

    Love! Hugs and healing thoughts. And deep abiding anger that you are going through this.

  4. That message... I just... there is no good bedside manner there.

    I'm so sorry about your kitty.

  5. I understand your feeling of 'meh' regarding the doctor. I feel like, at this point in their career, they should have worked out what to say and how to say it. I like to know exactly what I am facing, but often doctors just brush it away.

    Also, cancer sucks.

  6. I'm so sorry. It all really does suck. Thinking of you today.