15 February 2016

Disjointed thoughts about being a lady

First I'd like to talk about a conversation that we had at my house, last fall.
I've been turning it over in my mind for months.
I'm not sure if I said the right things, or if there are even right things to say.
Anyway.

A few months ago, we were watching some sports game at home. I don't remember which. Probably baseball. Maybe football.
I don't remember what game we were watching, but I remember that it was all four of us, Quentin and Gabriel and Everett and me, and I remember that Gabriel asked me, Do you think they'll ever let women play? Like not on their own teams, but with men?
I said no, no I don't think that will ever happen.
Why not?
Because the men wouldn't let it happen.
But aren't there women who are really good?
And I told Gabriel that, while there is no doubt in my mind that there are women who are just as good as some of the men who are being paid to play this sport, men don't want women to be just as good as them, and to play on the same field, and to be a part of the exact same game.
Now that I think about it some more, I'm pretty sure we were watching football. Because Quentin interjected that women aren't physically built like men, and it isn't exactly equal, and they wouldn't be just as good, and it's not just that men don't want them to play.
And he is correct, that generally speaking, men are taller, and stronger, and bigger. But all men are not more physically imposing than all women. There are women who could physically compete with men, even in football. Not every single female is "built" to play football, but some of them are, and it doesn't matter
This particular conversation then wandered into professional sports' history of racial segregation, and how the color barrier couldn't just be broken by the athletes that were just as good as the white men playing. The men who broke those color barriers had to be the best athletes. And the team's desire to win had to be stronger than the league's desire to keep these men separate.
So for a woman to play on a men's team, she couldn't just be as good as the men. She would have to be the best.
But if she was the best, I think the men would hate her for it, and they wouldn't let her play.
And Gabriel asked me why the men get to decide.
And I told him that is a thing that women are fighting to fix. And that men have to fight for it too.
I told him it's his job to stand up, and also to stand aside, and to fight for women even when he doesn't have to.

It's his job to speak out for people, and it's also his job to listen.

And then (and I think you can see why this day has stayed with me), we went on to voting. How first it was white men, and only white men, who got to decide everything.
And then they let brown men into their club (but they did it kicking and screaming and in many cases managed to subvert the spirit of the law and continue to keep those men out).
But it wasn't until much later that women finally got a say in matters.
The order of preference, in giving rights to people, gives them to those with penises (preferentially in order of lightest to darkest) first.
Then women come after.
Which is not to say that there isn't a powerful oppression of black and brown men. That there aren't situations where a white woman is better off than a brown man.
Intersectionality, you see.

So. No, Gabriel. I don't believe that men are ever going to let women onto their sports teams.
--
I work in corporate America.
Maybe you do too.
So maybe you already know that in an office, at the staff level, there are typically far more women than men. But as you work your way up the management chain, it flip flops, and at the top the men far outnumber the women.
Plenty of people who are far more intelligent than I am have written far more about this than I ever will.
The burden of child rearing and the effect of parental leave policies disproportionately affect women.
Strong men are leaders and strong women are bitches.
And sure, I do believe that in many cases women are less likely than men to lean in.
--
It is also that men, not all men (eyeroll), but lots of them, are fucking offended by the very concept of being led by a woman.
And that women can't get a job by being just as good as the men who would like that job as well.
A woman has to be better.
It is not enough to be equal.
--
I work in corporate America, and I am a mother, and I have a family.
In order to be taken seriously I have to be PERFECT.
If I want to be considered for the same opportunities and not have my infant held against me in the court of corporate politics, I have to be flawless.
I have to produce higher quality work more efficiently than the dudebro next to me who doesn't have a hard stop at 5:00 to pick up his kids because his wife will do that for him. Even if we both leave at the same time every day.

--
Can I tell you how angry it makes me, that Hillary Clinton, the most qualified presidential candidate in memory, has to tell a debate moderator (with a smile!) that she will indeed pick out the china if elected president? That she will perform her wifely and womanly duties. That she will not emasculate her poor husband by being the leader of the United States of America.
--
I have boys.
I get a lot of people telling me that boys are easier than girls.
Or, "They're more trouble now, but you'll be happy for the broken bones when you don't have teenage girls."
Maybe you have girls, and you hear this too.
Probably.
First, it's bullshit.
I have three brothers, and every single one was a difficult teenager, and they were all more difficult than either my sister or me.
They had all the emotions of a HUMAN BEING, but also they weren't supposed to be emotional because they were supposed to be MEN, not some kind of ladyboy, and also they were filled to the brim with testosterone, and they were angry, and in some cases they were flat out criminal.
They came through it okay.
But they were not easy.
And they were not easier than me. Not easier than my sister. Even though we are both female.
Boys are not easier than girls. They are not less emotional.
Girls are not quieter. They are not more gentle.
Maybe it's true sometimes, for some people, because humans are diverse as fuck, and they come with many personalities and family dynamics and ways of living.
But it is not a fact of parenting boys.
Or girls.
--
I personally believe that we hear this load of bullshit about girls being harder than boys because we are so terrified, as a society, of our teenaged girls having sex.
It would be so terrible to have a daughter who is also a sexual being that it is better and easier to have a son.
--
I have no conclusion.

12 February 2016

Yosemite, Baby Food, Devil's Advocates, Bonus Nightmare(s)

We went to Yosemite last weekend.
I had never been before!
And fourth graders get into National Parks for free!
And Gabriel didn't have school on Monday!
And it was Super Bowl weekend, so the Yosemite Lodge was improbably affordable!
Anyhow, we packed up our car and drove to Yosemite Saturday morning, and I learned that Yosemite is not even very far away (about four hours drive, comparable to driving to Tahoe for us).
It is a place that is exceptionally beautiful in photographs, and then you get there, and it is EVEN MORE beautiful in person. Literally breathtaking. As in, my breath was taken away.

That low quality iPhone photo is just...what being there LOOKED like.
Anyhow, we had a very nice time. There was snow on the ground, and I guess some stuff was closed for winter, but I really have no basis of comparison.
We went on some of the easier hikes, went on a couple of self-directed driving tours, wandered through the visitor center museum, went ice skating, partook of the valley restaurants.
Now that I've been, I need to tell you that this is one of those places that, if at all feasible, you simply MUST see at some point in your life.
THE MAJESTY OF NATURE.
--
Everett continues to be a good-natured delight.
He has also recently discovered his tongue.
The last time I talked about feeding this baby, I said I was going to wait until six months, despite what I view as his developmental readiness.
That was a lie.
While this baby is just 4.5 months old, he is developmentally ready.
I mean, look at him:
Anyhow, we tried him on some bananas and he gulped them right down. There was no tongue thrusting the food out, no gagging, no confusion about what to do next. Food in mouth, food swallowed, food well digested, baby appeased.
He squawks for us to share at every meal.
His primary nutrition source remains breastmilk, but we pretty much give him tastes of whatever we're eating. He knows what's up, and he WILL be included.
The other night Quentin (intentionally) overcooked some cauliflower into mush for the baby, and the baby was DELIGHTED.
--
You know the worst people? People who think the Devil needs an advocate. Kelly sent me this, and I could not love something more.

If you think that you should be an asshole because someone needs to represent the assholes of the world, you are terrible.
Please leave immediately.
--
Two nights ago, Quentin traded cars with me while I was at work. That evening, I went out to my parking lot, opened up my husband's car, and prepared to drive away.
When I opened the driver's side door, I was greeted by this.
WHY.
--
Everett will be 5 months old soon. For my own record he:
Sits
Rolls
Eats
Coos
Plays with toys
--
Quentin took him to his 4-month appointment, which includes shots.
The reception desk at the pediatrician called me, at work, for my consent to give him those shots.
Despite the fact that he was taken to the doctor by his consent-giving parent who has the legal right to consent to his medical care.
Quentin is trying to parent this baby under an unfortunate combination of asshole assumptions:
- racism
- dads are useless and cannot provide meaningful care to infants
- probably some part of living in a part of the country where NOT vaccinating your kid is normal parenting.
There is no way anyone would ever call Quentin to double up on medical consent if I brought the baby to the doctor.
Quentin also reports that people ask the baby questions in a high pitched baby voice.
For instance, yesterday: "Where is your mommy? Is daddy taking a day off work and having a special daddy/baby day?"
Or, last week: "Look at you, do you look like your mommy? I bet you look like mommy!"
Gabriel, who is often in attendance, does a knock 'em dead impression of The Society of Nosy Ladies.
I'm not sure how I feel about that.

10 February 2016

Updated Pumping Thoughts

My pumping situation has improved. As I had hoped, once my body got used to being milked by a machine instead of a baby, it more or less got with the program. I no longer have to actively induce sadness.

I've developed a whole little routine. About 15 minutes before I disappear to pump, I go to the bathroom, and refill my water. I take my water with me to the designated room, and after I get myself all hooked up to my equipment, I take a long drink of water and take a nice relaxing breath.
I look at videos of Everett while I start up my dairy machinery, and then after initial letdown, I read or play on my phone for the remainder of the session.

The pumping room at my work is very pleasant. It has a minifridge for milk storage, and a table, and a comfortable chair. A vision board (?) area where you can post pictures of your baby. An assortment of parenting books, and a space heater. Access is set up in such a way that no one could possibly walk in on you.

Today I went to work in a dress that I can nurse a baby in (one boob), but as it turns out I have to take completely off to pump (two boobs). Pumping breastmilk in a conference room wearing only your underwear is....well it's terrible, if you were wondering.
Terrible, and even with a space heater it is rather cold.
And it got me thinking about work pumping conditions. I work in corporate America, where we can have a designated, locking space.
What if I had Swistle's job of in-home care? Would I have to *shudder* pump at the client HOUSES?
What if I was a waitress?
What if our designated pumping area did NOT have a good locking system, and maybe all I could do is put up a Do Not Disturb sign and hope no one barged in on me??
My, it's a wonder anyone does this at all.

You know what would be great?
If your baby was cared for at your work, and instead of stopping to pump 2-3 times a day, you could stop in for a snuggle and a nurse with your baby! I would be so much more productive, and relaxed.
Hey look at that, I just invented onsite daycare.

03 February 2016

A few things I love (almost entirely infant-related)

This nursing bra. My friend Molly recommended it. Listen. It's better than any of my other bras. It's comfortable. It's well worth the $50 pricetag. I FEEL VERY PASSIONATELY ABOUT THIS BRA, AND IF YOU ARE OR PLAN TO BE A NURSING MOTHER, I THINK YOU SHOULD BUY ONE.
I have one, but it's the only bra I ever want to wear, so I need to buy another.

These 4-oz jars. Excellent baby food containment devices. Also useful for other things. I like the way they stack.

This Formula! (Baby's Only Organic, if you don't feel like clicking through). Everett is like...95% breastfed. He gets an occasional bottle, maybe one a week. I mention this not because I'm holier than thou, but because the reviews for this formula indicate that your baby may have trouble with constipation, which is not a problem for us, but I dunno, maybe it WOULD be a problem if he was on formula exclusively? I read some involved review about how it was because this formula has a whey/casein makeup that is different from breastmilk and blah, blah, blah.
Anyhow, this formula. It's $8.50 for a 12.7oz can. And I like the ingredient list better than ANY other formula I could find.
And, while I realize that water is a chemical, I prefer simpler ingredients, organic products, whole foods (the concept not the grocery store), et cetera.
Everett tolerates this well and I am not offended by the ingredient list and it is not prohibitively expensive.

These diapers (but not exclusively these diapers). Okay, these diapers (Bambo Nature) are, in my opinion, prohibitively expensive for your primary diapers ($0.46 per diaper!). HOWEVER, these are the BEST, MOST ABSORBENT, LEAST LEAKY diapers I have found, much MUCH better than other premium brands. We use cloth diapers during the day, but at night I prefer disposable, and I prefer disposables that are the least likely to leak or fill up in the night, so that we can make it all the way through without diaper changes. THESE ARE THAT DIAPER. I think if I was using plastic diapers only, I would still only have these on hand for nights, and would find something more affordable for use during the day, when you're changing your baby every couple hours anyway, and don't need some holy grail of leakproof absorbency. But if you DO. If you do, get these.

These bottles! I don't like plastic bottles mostly for aesthetic reasons. I don't like the way they get discolored with time, and how the markings fade, and the way they feel. All quite ridiculous, I realize. I like the 4oz version because it keeps Everett from getting overfed at daycare. I use the newborn flow nipples.

Diaper cover. I like this one best. I prefer hook/loop closures for smaller babies (although maybe I'll switch to snaps if Everett starts undressing himself. I like the fit. This is my favorite cover.

And finally, this book light. This is the only thing on this list that doesn't have to do with babies. I got it for Gabriel so he can read in the car without bugging me (we have a 2 hour evening drive home from his dad's every other Sunday). It's rechargeable, and you can position it so it lights up both pages, so you don't have to constantly fuss with it, and it is very bright without being annoying to the non-reading person.