24 July 2013

Garrison Keillor, Raccoons, Lil Wayne

A man who is not Garrison Keillor has been doing The Writer's Almanac this summer and it's not okay with me.
I looked into it, because that's exactly what sort person I am, and now you know that if you didn't already.
I actually know who this guy is, and good old GK reads his poems on a fairly regular basis, but....oh I HATE him now.
He sounds like Ben Stein, if Ben Stein was an aggressive poet aggressing literary facts at me.
He makes me glare at my radio, and then change the station.
My friend Daniel observed that they could LITERALLY just run last year's writer's almanacs on the appropriate days and we would all be happier.
And the thing is, I don't even LIKE Garrison Keillor that much. Do you listen to Prairie Home Companion? I can take it for about three minutes before the eye rolling commences, and then about two more minutes after that before I start fumbling around to change the station.
I also don't much care for poetry.
Because it's so OFTEN insufferable.
But I like The Writer's Almanac.
I love it, even!
If I miss it in the morning, I know which NPR station to tune to so that I catch it on the way home.
 It is the exact proper dosage of Mr. Garrison's voice, literary trivia, and exactly one (1) poem read in soothing low tones.
So, I don't like Lil Wayne, because I don't. He's just not my fave. But that doesn't mean I NEVER listen to Lil Wayne, because....because I do. Sometimes.
Anyways, there's this song ("song"?), Sky is the Limit, with the following:
And when I was five/ 
My favorite movie was the Gremlins/ 
Ain’t got shit to do with this/ 
But I just thought that I should mention

And then there's this OTHER song ("song"), which features this:
Had a dream that my dick turned to Megatron/ 
But my girl was sleeping with Decepticons

And THEN. When I turned The Writer's Almanac off in a huff this morning, they were playing Rich As Fuck on the radio (because if I'm not listening to public radio (or sports radio), I'm listening to the sorts of stations that play the sorts of songs that might be eloquently titled "Rich As Fuck"), and I thought I heard my good friend Lil say something about Fivel! Further googling revealed that he in fact says something something something "5-0" which is SIGNIFICANTLY less exciting. But! In the same song! We also have:
All rats gotta die/
Even Master Splinter

So I wanted - I mean really, really wanted - to create a list of all children's movie/show references within the Lil Wayne body of work. But it turns out that I don't want to read through all of his lyrics. So what I ACTUALLY want is for someone else to put together a comprehensive list of Lil Wayne's Children's Tale References.  Get on that, internet.
Do you know what happened to me last night?
I went out with a friend.
That's not interesting.
I got home, not terribly late, but late enough that I would be grateful to melt into a bed puddle and sleep forever. And I was all set to do that, except my cat....my cat was having a THROUGH THE FRENCH DOOR fight with a raccoon. WITH A RACCOON. They were both hissing and making weird low gutteral noises and flinging themselves at the glass.
A raccoon you GUYS
I don't know about you, but I don't really care to get involved with fighting animals, and I don't actually know what I would do, because, as you can see, my cat is inside, and the forest's raccoon is outside, which is where I want each of them, and I couldn't....I dunno. I just wanted to SLEEP. And here I have these creatures. All up in my business.