20 November 2011

My Ass Goes Shopping: Jeans

I have a big ass.
While I'm by no means on par with Julia, my butt is bigger than your average white girl's, especially when you consider ass:waist ratios.
Jeans are difficult to buy.
While I also have inseam issues (real quick: I have short legs, pants go flowing on for miles after my legs have ended), I find those can mostly be solved with a little thing I like to call hemming.
My ass cannot be hemmed.
There are two camps of jeans rise: lower, and higher.
Both are fraught with danger.
Low Rise Front
Low rise pants in the appropriate size typically look okay from the front, if viewed from a standing position, in a skinny mirror, with all muffin top minimizing measures in place.
Low Rise Back
The danger lies in the back view.  Pants end, and the ass is still trucking merrily along up my back.  As they do.
The problems with lower rise jeans mean that I don't usually go down that path. I stick to the mid-high rise categories.  This puts me danger of Mom Jeans, but I'm hopeful that I've so far managed to avoid that fate.
High Rise Front
Hey look, these are my size.
High Rise Side
BUAHAHA JUST KIDDING SUCKER!  Feel the frosty air on your lower back! SUFFER THE CONSEQUENCES!
So what does it all mean, really?
It means that I own SEVERAL pairs of jeans designed by renowned fashion houses.
*ahem* Nelly *cough*
Jeans recommendations, anyone?

1 comment:

  1. Oooh so I recently discovered a new style of Levi's that are all about not having that gap in the back and they have a curvy version, which I bought and WOW do they fit perfectly. They sell 'em at JC Penney.