31 January 2011

Men of the world: I find this stuff unattractive!

Hey, so.  I don't know if I have a type, exactly, but  I have some things that put you solidly in the Never To Be Considered category, and these are they.
Obviously there are women folk out there who go for this stuff, I mean, I guess, because there's someone for everyone, isn't there?
But this stuff is not for me.
Just as I, with my messy hair and sundresses and glasses and pretentious lists of dislikes, am surely not for everybody.
THERE IS SOMEONE FOR EVERYONE BUT HERE ARE SOME THINGS THAT AREN'T FOR ME.

Head Hair:
-Long hair, of any sort, at all, ever.  I used to think it was just hippie hair I didn't like, but as I've gotten older, I've come to realize that it's any long hair.  Dreadlocks, braids, well groomed hair that's just too long.  Yeah. Ick.
-Hair that feels gross, or is crunchy, or gets grease on my hands if I touch it.  Basically any weird gels or pomades that draw my awareness to you and your hair products.  I'm not like, diametrically opposed to guys using hair products, I mean, I GUESS THAT'S FINE, but I don't want to know that.
-Any hairstyle that looks like it takes longer than mine does to create.  Okay and I recognize that I'm really lazy with my hair, so this is essentially just any hairstyle that could be considered a style, but yeah.  I'll expound on this later.
-Dyed hair.  Uh, yeah.  In all forms.  I'm a conservative and I hate you damned punks.  Also if you have gray hair just grow a pair and deal with it (related: don't do weird things to hide your baldness, EVERYBODY KNOWS).


Face Hair:
-Obviously groomed eyebrows.
-Mustaches.
-Civil War beards.
-Douchebag flavor savor goatee things.
-Pretty much any face hair beyond scruffiness or basic short beard situation.  The I haven't shaved in awhile look is fine, and a short beard or non-douchy goatee is also fine.  Everything else is not fine.

Body Hair:
-Any kind of waxed or overly glossy appearance.  I do not ever, and I do mean EVER, want to see some dude take off his shirt and have him like....glisten in the sun.  You are not a well-oiled machine.  And if you wax I think it's weird.  And unattractive, which is sort of the point of this list.
-Also any blanket of fur gross over-hairy situation. Yes, I hate suuuuuper hairiness and I also hate any kind of overly groomed situation when it comes to the back and chestal regions.  So, sucks for you if you're creepily hairy, and you want to sleep with me. Because you can't.
-Hobbit feet.

Accessories:
-Piercings.
-Bluetooth.
-Tattoos that make me roll my eyes.

Attire:
-V-necks.
-Clothing that sparkles, glitters, or is bedazzled.
-Flat hats.
-Skinny jeans.
-Specialized workout wear.  Bike clothes worn around town, hobbling down the street in your weird shoes, et cetera.  I guess it's FINE if you want to wear neon spandex while you're actually doing the thing, because it's technologically superior to sweats, or whatever, but I don't really ever plan on seeing you in this outfit, because if any workout involves a specialized outfit (beyond a swim or wetsuit), I am not interested.


Odor:
-Any kind of unclean/unshowered odor, unless it is IMMEDIATELY after a trip to the gym, or you're legit working hard (which is super fucking sexy), or it's related to fucking, and me.
-Suffocating cologne of any variety.
-Douchebag body sprays, etc.
-Bad breath.

General Appearance and Attitude Notes:
-Don't take longer than I do to get ready.
-You can't be littler than me.  If you can't pick me up, then you can't pick up on me.
-Seriously, don't take longer than I do to get ready.
-Makeup: No.
-Tanning: No.
-You aren't allowed to have gross teeth.
-I'm not into testosterone fueled rage.  If you are the type to get in a bar fight, you are not my type.
-Those muscles connecting your shoulder to your neck?  Whatever those are? Yeah. Those shouldn't ever go all triangly and disappear your neck. That shit is gross.
-Any car that I'm going to view as an extension of your penis, be it an obnoxious sports car or a giant truck.  You're an asshole, and your dick is small.
-Gross feet, or long nails, or....yeah.  Grossness, generally speaking.
-Any look that requires taking longer than I do to get ready.
-SKEEVY OLD MEN NEED NOT APPLY.
-DO NOT TAKE LONGER TO GET READY THAN I DO.

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