25 September 2010

Day 03 → Something you have to forgive yourself for

I'm not good enough, maybe I will never be good enough.
I'm an inadequate mother. I yell and I get frustrated and I overreact and I underreact and I make popcorn for dinner and sometimes I'm the first one in bed and sometimes I'm up till 2am and grumpy in the morning.  I tell myself that I'm just a human and it's okay for Gabriel to see me for who I am but really it drives me nuts that I can't just be better
Why can't I handle it when he's throwing a fit? 
Why do I use my angry voice? 
Why do I fight with him?

I can never think of the right thing to say, and even when I say something that might be the right thing, there was probably something better. 
My god, why am I so awkward?

I don't try.  There's no good reason for me to be where I am here and now and today.  I don't have to be struggling and lost and why am I always so poor?  If I could just try harder. Right?
On an intellectual level I really do know that I'm ridiculous. 
Maybe I have a hard time knowing if I'm really doing my best but I at least know that I'm foolish when I let this stuff claw at my insides and keep me up at night. 
It doesn't do anyone any good, least of all myself.

I need to forgive myself, for my adequate parenting, for my best-I-can-offer friendship, for the just manageable place I've wound up in, through this messy process of living my life.

I'm working on it.
30 Days of Truth

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