My doctor asks me questions in a way that compels me to lie to her.
Two years ago, when I first saw her, having randomly selected a primary care physician based on the loose impression I got from the square little photos on the medical clinic website, I filled out all of my paperwork honestly.
I had just moved to SC from Chico and I was living in my old room at my parents' house while I looked for a place to live in town.
Which meant that when I was filling out my little survey questionnaire thingie I was hardly drinking and I wasn't humping anyone in my childhood bedroom.
And I'm not opposed to updating my profile with my doctor. I'm REALLY not. But there's just something about the way she looks at me and asks, "You're still not drinking more than 1-2 drinks per week, right?" that just makes me mutely shake my head.
And when she glances up from her computer to ask me, "No new sexual partners?" with only a half second's pause before asking, "No intravenous drugs?" I get all flustered and what if she thinks I'm saying yes to heroin when really I'm just saying yes I've managed to have Teh Sex at least once in the past year since we've seen each other and then I'm over-thinking it and then I haven't said anything at all and she's moved on to asking me if I'm still working the same job and how is my son doing and et cetera and OHMYGOD.
Then I get all paranoid that because I haven't given the full reveal on certain aspects of my health, I'm Fucked. I mean I'm always safe and careful and et cetera but YOU CAN NEVER BE TOO SAFE.
So for the past two years, I've gone to my annual exam, sat in my car feeling panicky and insane and COMPLETELY OUT OF MY MIND, and then walked over to Planned Parenthood, where they don't judge you and they wait for answers after they ask a question and yes, you have to sit in a sad waiting room full of frightened teenagers, but they'll test you for everything under the sun without a single judgy eyebrow.
And that's pretty nice, when you think about it.