I take my breaks at work with the Rebel Smoking Break Crowd. Even though I'm not a smoker myself, I like to up my badassery a little bit with second hand smoke exposure. It builds my street cred AND makes it easier for me to demand codeine cough syrup for my permanently damaged lungs. Or it could be that the ones with no regard for their future as leather-faced emphysema patients are just my VERY favorites.
Or maybe they know about my secret other life as a barhag.
None of this has anything to do with anything, except to set the stage. I take a break in the morning and a lunch break and a break in the afternoon, because we're labor-law-abiding folks, and, because I run with the BAD KIDS, we always, always, always take our breaks outside, because that's where smoking occurs, even when it's raining.
I'm with coworkers Krish(na) and Steve-that-I-like, and they are smoking, and I am not. And they are both facing me, sort of standing next-ish to each other with me facing the both of them. About 15 feet BEHIND THEM is an outdoor staircase that goes god-knows-where-I-don't-know-my-way-around-this-place. At the base of that staircase is a man with a yellow bicycle.
So we're talking about drug dealers or something equally appropriate and I sort of shriek-yell OHMYGODYOUGUYSTHATGUY. And they both look behind them at THATGUY and he's just standing there staring at all three of us like WHUT THE EFF I'M JUST STANDING HERE. And Krish(na) and Steve-that-I-like both look at me like I'm slightly crazy (which is neither new nor news), and I am sort of awkwardly silently laughing to the point of tears, and rocking myself, and sort of twirling slowly in circles. Because that's how I deal with trauma.
I was in shock.
Eventually the dude carries his yellow bike up the stairs and disappears and I audibly exhale and start in again with YOUGUYSYOUGUYSYOUGUYS because YOUGUYS THAT GUY I JUST SAW THAT GUY'S PENIS I MEAN ONLY HALF OF IT BUT I JUST SAW THAT GUY'S PEEN AND WHAT THE FUCK WHY WHY WHY MY BREAK HAS BEEN STOLEN FROM ME HIS PENIS I DON'T KNOW NO I DON'T KNOW WHY OHMYGOD YOUGUYS PENIS.
They want more information, and I'm like I dunno he sort of pulled up his shirt and pulled down his elastic waisted shorts and I saw the top half of his penis and I don't know is that the top half or the bottom half? It was the half that is most closely attached to his body. He was hairless, by the way, except he had a hairy belly so it's not like he was naturally hairless and OHMYGODYOUGUYS.
I couldn't totally tell if it was intentional although how could you show me your dick ON ACCIDENT? And AND AND AND AND. AND!
My afternoon break was ruined by penis.
Artistic representation courtesy of Avitable.
Let's all thank him.