07 May 2010

An enigma, wrapped in questions, dipped in mystery

It's Friday, so I'm hurling a whole bunch of unrelated crap up here, in the hopes I manage to wipe enough of my brain clear of fuzz to ensure my weekend enjoyment.
(I have fun weekend plans, am excited)
I worry a lot about how people perceive me, and I worry about wildly conflicting things.  I worry that I seem too emotional/insane while AT THE SAME TIME fretting over the part where maybe I come off as too cold and detached and NOT EMOTIONAL ENOUGH.
WTF brain? Pick an insecurity and STICK WITH IT.
I'm no good at confrontation.
Like, at all.
There are a few people with whom I am genuinely comfortable having it out over a Great Big Fight, and since I'm okay with that possibility, am willing to say HEY THAT WASN'T OKAY WHEN YOU SAY {X} I FEEL {Z}.  With the other 99.4% of the world, I just want everything smoothed over and better and quiet and please let's get along?  Look!  It's fine!  Everything is fine!  Now please stop?
I've noticed that this leaves me with lots of Apologizing for Shit I Didn't Do, as well as entirely too much Saying I'm Not Mad When In Fact I'm Livid.  Then I'm stuck marinating in bittersauce, bitching endlessly to third parties, etc.  That's not healthy for my brain OR my friendships.
Usually enough time passes that Whatever It Was isn't a THING anymore, and I get over it, or, if it's still a THING, I get tired of being friends with Person A and our relationship sort of fizzles out.
A third option is the Emotional Drunken Outburst.  This tends to resolve things one way or the other, although I'm always left feeling very douchy the next day. 
Although also sort of relieved. 
Mostly douchy though.
I have some weird attachment issues.
There's a point, which for me is much farther along in the Getting To Know You Process than it is for most, up to which the valve to my feelings is completely under my own control.  I can decide, "I'm not going to get close to this person," and then....not.  Or I can become completely emotionally invested but then get some sort of inkling that you might hurt my feelings?  And TAKE IT ALL RIGHT BACK.

The flip side of that is my obsessive inability to disengage once I've crossed that line, no matter how unhealthy the friendship or how much I should just LET IT GO ALREADY.  This can be fine, if, say, you're a reasonably good friend and we have a reasonably good relationship.  It can also be decidedly Not Fine, if, for instance, I start taking personal responsibility for your life and actions and et cetera.
My wrists are ALWAYS hurting these days.
I need a less data-entry-related career.