18 January 2010

I've been feeling all angsty and teenaged lately.  For no discernible reason.  I'm still quite pleased with 2010 and all the ways that it hasn't sucked balls, but I've also spent the whole of it to date with a pit-of-my-stomach anxiety that I'm not really used to.

I suppose if I get myself to psychoanalyzing it's probably my overarching sense of IMPENDING DOOM, hanging around because nothing's happened to piss me off or make me cry for awhile now, and my body is trying to brace me for what it's pretty sure is coming.
Meanwhile my brain is trying uselessly to reassure and be all 'Check it yo, we're cool.' 

Anyhow, sometimes I get all Crazy Anxious and I've been that way of late, and it's weird.  Cuz previous times I've felt this way include:
-As an insecure preteen/teenager
-Immediately after doing FILL IN THE BLANK stupid and socially inadvisable Thing in college
-When trying to deny to myself that live in boyfriend was Lying Cheater McCheaterston
-When mothering an infant that cried inconsolably for at least 6 hours a day for the first 6 months of his life
-When on welfare and terrified of my life falling down all around my ears

So you can see, previous UNEXPLAINABLE ANGST has in fact been extraordinarily explainable.  But I don't have a good reason for this, in my brain or in my gut or anything else. 

And I still feel all fluttery and hovery and lacking in purpose and OH MY GOD WHAT'S ABOUT TO HAPPEN IS IT SOMETHING BAD I BET IT IS.  It's slightly manic, not in a good way, and I need my sleep.
Is the world about to end? No? Then cut it out, nervous system.  I don't need this shit.