09 January 2010

Does everyone feel better? Now let's pick apart MY FACE

How can you follow up a feel-good-celebrate-the-positives post?  With a tidy explanation of Things That Are Wrong With My Face, of course.

1.  Forehead - Jayzus my forehead is bigger than my hand.  My hair doesn't start until after my head tops off and starts working its way backwards, giving me a bulb-head look (hence the bangs you often see). Related but not specifically addressed are the forehead wrinkles, which come from having such a vast swath of skin with which to work - I scrunchle it often.

2.  Eyebrows. Where are you eyebrows?  You exist as but a question of a shadow, to be penciled in every morning in a futile attempt to break up the insurmountable area between my eyeballs and my hair.

3.  Eyes. Small, asymmetrical (the one on the left is longer and shorter), downward-slanting, and with strange stubbly little eyelashes.

4.  The bottom lines of my under-eye circles continue out of their designated area, cavorting across my entire cheek and bisecting them diagonally.

5.  I have a freckle mustache.  Sometimes people tell me I have dirt on my lip. Them's mah freckles bitches!

6.  I have a double chin.  It's hawt.