01 October 2009

Lacking Cohesion

It seems like I've been lost a couple months now in a lackadaisical fog of blunted non-feeling.

Part of it, most of it probably, or at least more than I would have expected, is my grandpa dying. In June, he was present. In July, he was not. I didn't have time. I mean I had time. But I didn't have time to consider. I hadn't gotten used to the idea. He was my grandpa and he was fine and then suddenly he just wasn't anymore.

It was before Blogher that I realized that he was dying, and I made a conscious choice to shove all of that out of my head and go to Chicago and just not think about anything happening at home. And then I got back from Chicago and I drove to pick up Gabriel and I drove up to my grandfather's house and my grandfather died at dawn. It was such a strange juxtaposition of lows and highs.

And then there's money. Money's tight. I mean, money's always tight, but I've been receiving child support and I've been using it to try and dig myself out of the financial hole I wound up in when I left Gabriel's father, but now I find myself ineligible for subsidized childcare which basically puts me right back where I was, tunneling along below ground. Life goes on and we'll be fine, but it's particularly awful to have financial security dangled within grasp only to have it snatched away again.

And all of this is not to say that everything is gray.

Gabriel. Gabriel's doing so well right now. We have the best times together, and he's so thoughtful and sweet and fun and alive. I'd like to bottle this version, to remember forever. I can think of no better word than lovely.
But he wants to have complicated conversations.
Did Grandpa die because he was old?
Will Grandma die?
I didn't want Grandpa to die because I always liked him.
Why can't my days be daddy AND mommy days?
When I see my daddy I miss you. When I see you, I miss my daddy.
Why are you always so tired?

I do my best to answer as best as I know how.
Yes, but not for a long time.
Not for a long time.
I liked him too.
Your daddy lives in a different town.
I miss you when you're with your daddy and Daddy misses you when you're with me that's just how it is.
I don't know why I'm tired.

This is reading more and more like some hipster emo-sad post about my feelings and woe is me and woe is the world. Which is entirely not the point.

My friends are amazing. Amazing and supportive and wonderful. And I still do the things, the trips to Chicago and Colorado and what-have-you, because I have this part of my brain that thinks if it doesn't take a chunk out financially, if it just keeps me at the slightly less than even without making my situation worse, then it's important to do those things so I can feel like I'm still a whole person who does things for herself and has weekends to look forward to and trips to plan. I don't know if that's the right choice or not, but I feel like those are the times that I'm able to leap up out of the water and out of the fog and be bright and sparkly and I like to sparkle sometimes, even if it's only a temporary distraction.

I guess I just feel foggy, is all. And I'm waiting for it to clear.
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