10 August 2009

So much it hurts.


I love you so much it hurts. And that's such a fucked up cheesy thing to say. If you'd asked me four years ago, even when I was pregnant, even when I already loved you like crazy, I would have said that was a stupid thing to say. Who says that? Fucking soap operas and idiots, that's who.

But I do.

I can't help it.

I love you so much it fucking hurts. I can't imagine loving anyone on Planet Earth as much as I love you.

Since we've moved, you've been sleeping in my bed again. You say it was different when you were in the living room. Before you needed a drink I would know and now I don't know if you need a drink of water you told me. There's frogs under my bed and they scare me. There aren't any frogs under your bed. They won't get me with you.

Where did you ever get it into your head that you're afraid of frogs?

I don't like old people, you tell me. Old people die, and that's scary. I hate old people. Grandpa's dead. Grandpa's dead and his body's burned up but it's not his body but he's burned and I won't see him anymore. I hate old people. And I can see all the hurt and all the confusion and you just trying to figure things out and all I can do is love you. I love you so much that it hurts.

You're three. You'll be four soon enough. Three's not very old. But three's so very old. You speak in complete sentences. You can spell you name. You can even write it, if I sit next to you and tell you how.

You're so fucking smart. It blows my mind.

And I love you so much. And that blows my mind too.

You're like this little miniature of your father. You look so much like him it's uncanny. I'm constantly looking at you trying to understand how anyone can look so much like anyone else. Christ you even have his feet. I didn't even know that I knew what his feet looked like until you had them. You think about things the same way he does. I see it in your eyebrows, when you're thinking something through. And that's crazy.

If you don't know it already, you'll know soon enough: You're father and I? We're like oil and water. Nothing about us mixes together, unless you count the fact that we mixed together and made you. Just thinking about him makes me crazy, and just thinking about you makes me smile. And I still don't understand how that works. You make me crazy and you make me smile in the exact same instant. How do you do that? Tonight I was putting you to bed, and you patted my cheek in that special tender way you do, like you're the mom, and you're just looking out for me? That makes me cry. You've been doing it since before you could walk, since before you could crawl, and it still makes me cry. And I don't cry.

I love you so much it hurts. It hurts down in my soul, if I can ever figure out where my soul is.

I love you.




  1. AWWWW! OMG. The Sweet.


  2. I think Gabriel is a lucky little guy with a Mom like you.

  3. I might be a man, but I totally understand. This post is amazing. Someday, when he's a little older, I hope he stumbles across this, without you saying anything, and he understands as well. There is NOTHING better in life than a mother who loves you with all her being.

    Awesome post.

  4. *sigh* oh love... this is so beautiful and honest.

    honestly beautiful. you are such a fantastic mother.

  5. I love you lady. You're an awesome mom and Gabriel is so very lucky to have you and you are so very lucky to have him and I want to squish you both.

    I think our kids would be buddies.

  6. That is BEAUTIFUL Ms. Grace, just beautiful. There are some days I look at my little 3 year old and I feel as if my heart will burst. Last night I had a bad dream and just inhaling his sweet innocent smelling skin made all my monsters and fears go far away ;-).

  7. Awwww. You are too sweet. (he totally has your eyes and smile...)

  8. That was beautiful - just beautiful.

  9. What a lovely tribute to my favorite Internet Nephew.

  10. My god, I cried at this.
    love you - Daphne

  11. written like only a true mom can write....he loves you too....

  12. this is just awesome. and the end, where you say love, mom? that got me. it's just the simplest thing to say, and it is loaded with a thousand million billion tons of love.

  13. This post made me cry. Beautiful. So beautiful.

  14. And here I drown in my pool of weepy ass tears. Sweet mother of everything, the dust must be kicking up in here!