03 August 2009

Go Girl No Girl

Long before BlogHer, someone forwarded me some sort of GoGirl email. My coworkers and I read and re-read, RIVETED. Who needs to pee standing up? Why can't you just hover, or pop a squat in the woods? AND what do you DO with it? And. AND AND AND. And SQUICK.

Anyways, that was a couple months ago.

THEN, I met a nice GoGirl hawking lady at BlogHer who was like camping! Skiing! A variety of situations where I'd just as soon not stand and pee! And then she mentioned gross port-a-potties where even hovering sort of lands you too close The Yuck, and I was like, yeah, and maybe if I'm ever in a whore house in Mexico, but how many times can that happen? I think I've maxed out with the once.
So I took the nice lady's pee-contraption and I took it back to California where it lived on my kitchen counter for four days. And then I moved. Stella came down to help because she's lovely that way, and I showed it to her, and she declared that it MUST BE TESTED. And then she packed it into her purse.
And then she got it out at the bar and showed it to everyone.
And then we all posed inappropriately with it.

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And then I had to pee, and I took it with me (And yes, it had been fondled by other people but yknow what? That kind of thing just doesn't gross me out, Julia I'm sorry).
So.
I followed the instructions.
And I mean.
I'd been drinking.
But not so much that the instructions escaped me.
And let me just tell you something: PEE DOWN MY LEG MOTHERFUCKER and I have friends in the bathroom with me and I'm screaming ABORT ABORT ABORT at the top of my lungs (because apparently THAT'S what you do when you get piss on your leg?) and they are laughing. Hysterically. And I throw the thing in the toilet because OH MY GOD. And then I do that THING THAT I'M USED TO DOING where I hover over the motherfucking toilet and I pee like a god damned girl, and JESUS CHRIST I HAVE URINE ON MY PANTS AND I AM NOT INTOXICATED ENOUGH TO HAVE URINE ON MY PANTS AND HAVE THAT BE OKAY. THIS IS NOT OKAY. So Stella buys four drinks instead of two and spills two down my front to neutralize the fact that I'm covered in piss but you know what? I still knew. Bastards.

So that was a fail.

--
Do I really need a disclosure? I didn't pay for it. And um....yeah. Also I wrote a review over here. And I wrote this last week. If you're interested.

27 comments:

  1. OMG that was some funny ass shit! She spilled drinks on you? And you let her?

    Were they singing "Grace peed her paannnnntts!" like in 1st grade when I had to go to the bathroom and the teacher said no and... oh wait, that's something else.

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  2. This is the funniest shit EVAR. Thank you for humiliating yourself for our pleasure.

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  3. Although, really, shouldn't this be under "Disgraced Shopping" as a review?

    ABORT ABORT ABORT.

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  4. about abort abort!

    LMAO

    I nearly peed in MY pants!

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  5. about abort abort!

    LMAO

    I nearly peed in MY pants!

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  6. BWAHHAHAH I have been waiting for this post. Why the hell do women feel the need to piss like a man?

    I knew it was a horrid idea when I first laid eyes on it!

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  7. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! That is HYSTERICAL!!! Hee Hee...huh...hmmmm...

    So let me get this straight...you tried to pee in that hootchiemabobie thingie and missed and peed all over yourself? Right?


    HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!! Oh stop! My sides! HAHAHAHAHAHA!

    Seriously...this story made my morning...*snort*

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  8. That thing just looked like a bad idea from the get go.

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  9. Dude. Alan. I did not MISS. That's all I'm saying.

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  10. abort abort abort!
    Ohhhh dying laughing...

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  11. Nothing beats the real thing, I guess.

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  12. You know, by far one of my very favorite things about you is you never letting a little embarrassment get in the way of a good story :)

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  13. Defective Product? Drunk-Operator Error? I still don't understand how the pee got on your leg. Regardless, I do think that ABORT was the proper response.

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  14. OMG... I almost peed my pants reading this post. SO.DAMN.FUNNY!

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  15. (Scratching 'pee contraption' off my Christmas wish list)

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  16. See, this is EXACTLY why the whole Go Girl thing freaked me out. I *know* without a doubt in my mind that the exact same thing would happen to me, I would end up with pee all over me, and that is SO NOT OK.

    Thank you for confirming that for me. And I'm sorry you had to go through an evening with pee on yourself.

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  17. LOL! I was totally going to try mine out eventually. I will totally abort that mission now. LOL

    Sorry for the piss pants. Hope the alcohol made it a little better!

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  18. ABORT ABORT! Bwah ha ha! I'm so glad I have a penis.

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  19. I'm exhausted. But highly entertained!

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  20. OMFG. Too funny. But how sad/embarrassing/omg.
    ABORT! ABORT!
    Definitely an appropriate response...
    ;s

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  21. It's wrong that this sounds like a really fun time right? RIGHT?

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  22. I was born with a GoGirl and I'm pretty sure you must have been doing it wrong.

    They should mold fake balls into the bottom of these, to complete the effect. I mean, why not?

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  23. I love you :). Just thought you should know. Why can't you live closer to me, so we can share these experiences?

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  24. ABORT!ABORT!

    I'm literally laughing like a loon sitting at my desk at work.

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  25. LOL. I expected that very thing to happen when I first discovered that contraption at BlogHer.

    Ah, yes, it's good to be a man sometimes. Though I do wish I had breasts I could play with all day long.

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  26. I think the best part about this post is the part where your friend spills two drinks on you, and you're OK with that. LOL.

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