14 July 2009

::Sigh::

Oh hi.

<-- That's me with no makeup and no shower and the unbrushed hair and the ungroomed eyebrows and the frowzy bra and the chipped toenails. I'm fucking exhausted. Emotionally, physically, whatever. I keep coming up with fancy descriptive sentences in my head, then not writing them down fast enough. The words flit back out and into the air, and here I am, still speechless. Aside from spewing my feelings all over twitter every couple of days, I've been trying really hard to hold my shit together and remain positive and smily and BEST FOOT FORWARD or whatever, hence all the brevity and bullet points and photos you might have noticed around here. I've felt like it would be a lie to write something of any length and not Talk About My Feelings, and I've always been a spectacularly bad liar. Just ask my mom.

Anyways, since I can't seem to write the several posts this all deserves, I'm just gonna write one of the please-excuse-the-rambling variety.

My grandpa's dying. Like, Dying-dying. His heart is failing, his doctor thinks he has 6 months to live. My grandfather. One of those larger-than-life people. And yeah he's kind of an asshole; he once ran for city council on the premise that we should feed the homeless to the hungry. He wears a gold belt buckle and a beret and he has a diamond in one of his teeth. And to me he hasn't aged. He's looked like my grandpa for as long as I've known him. With the same white hair and the same glasses and the same EVERYTHING. And I guess he's been getting older and more frail and his eyesight's been getting worse and he's been riding his bike less and less over the past couple years, but it's all been so gradual; it's easy to miss.
And then I saw him yesterday and he was so small and so frail. His voice was quiet and strained. His limbs hanging off of his frame. He could have blown away in the wind. Like cobwebs. Like dry grass. Like eggshells.
And I mean...He's 85. He's five years past his malignant melanoma diagnosis, a point by which 95% of those diagnosed have already died. And. Yeah. Whatever. I dunno. That doesn't change anything, or at least, it doesn't change enough. It doesn't change anything enough for me.

And my mom. I worry about my mom. When my grandpa dies there will be all this stupid will and estate bullshit, plus some left over stuff from when my grandmother died, plus who knows all what else. With my mom to sort out all this garbage amongst her siblings, not all of whom are functional humans.
And my great-uncle Russell (my grandpa's brother) had a heart attack and a stroke a couple months ago, so she's already been doing her best to look after him, and now she's taking turns with her sister sleeping over at my grandpa's, and I need her, and my sister needs her, and my brothers need her, and my dad needs her, and I worry. I'm worried about my mom. When I left last night she was crying. When I talked to her this weekend she was crying. She doesn't cry all that much.

And then there's Gabriel's dad. And there's nothing new, but he's just SUCH an asshole. So I have all this anger on top of all this worry and sadness. I had to sit and listen last Friday as he told a judge that my brother Duncan shouldn't be allowed to pick up Gabriel, because Duncan's unstable, and has made threats to K's person. Duncan's one of the greatest, most stable people I know. And yeah, when I was pregnant and you were FUCKING CHEATING ON ME my brother told me that he wanted to fucking kill you. And yeah. BECAUSE HE'S MY BROTHER. Fuck. You.
On Sundays I'm supposed to pick Gabriel up in Sacramento at 6, and 6 has been really hard on Gabe, because he doesn't sleep well in the car, and he gets home so late, and he has to wake up early to start Monday morning with me and work and whatnot. So I wanted to pick him up earlier, so he could nap in the car and have dinner at home and have a slightly easier transition. But DonkWad can't quite bring himself past the point of Fucking With Me to the slightly more desireable mindset of Let's Do Right By Our Kid. I can pick him up at 5 now. Which doesn't change so much of anything.
He makes me all stabby and vindictive, and it makes it just so hard to be the person that I want to be; the person who takes the high road and doesn't engage in all of this agonizing antagonizing bullshit.

I'm trying to set everything aside so I can get through work and life. I want to enjoy the hell out of my family and friends and sweet baby boy.

27 comments:

  1. (((((hugs)))))

    I dont know what else to say except that I'm a tweet away.

    life sucks sometimes

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  2. Sorry you...((HUGGING))...and also handing you the knife for the stabbing.

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  3. *HUG*

    I'm sorry he is making the choice to continue to be stupid when you already have so much weighing on your heart. I'm so sorry about your grandpa. Take care of your mom, take care of eachother. *hug*

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  4. I am sorry life can be such a shit storm sometimes. Lots of hugs to you and your family. I know it must be a difficult time.
    As for Gabriel's dad, boy would I like a go at him. There is nothing I hate more than putting yourself before your child. It's selfish and just wrong. Wait, you already know this. Anyway, all youcan do is your best. Keep your chin up lady. (((((HUGS))))

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  5. Oh hunny! I am so sorry to hear about all of this. I already knew about your douchy ex but didn't know the rest. *HUGS*

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  6. Jesus. I'm sorry to hear about your grandfather. Take the time you have now with him and say the things you have wanted to say, if there is anything.

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  7. What really sucks is when we all realize what happens as adults. Some of us grow up later in life (me) some of us are forced to do so early (you). But looking into the eyes of someone knowing they won't be there much longer - really puts perspective into your life. Really makes you love those around you who care for you. Makes you more empathetic towards others as well.

    I'm so sorry about your family issues. They weigh heavy I know. And your mother will likely have a rough fight on her hands after all is said and done, just love and protect her as you are now a mother yourself and know how fierce that feeling truly is.

    Whew - Perhaps I need to take a chill pill today. Sorry for being too thick....But I've grown to love you - I hope you are ok.

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  8. I'm hugging you too. But you knew that already.

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  9. Hang in there, lover. When the shit storm begins, it never feels like it will end. Let me know if I can help.

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  10. Ugh, I'm so sorry that you're dealing with all of this. Wish I could make it better for you or that I could at least ease some of this burden you're carrying around.

    This too shall pass.

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  11. I love you, sweet thing. It's never okay when people die, even when it is okay and prepared for and whatnot. And K being a douche just makes everything worse, the fucker. I'm here if/when you need me (Lawd knows you've been there for me!).

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  12. Oh, man, I'm so sorry about all of this. I wish I could fix it for you, cuz I would if I could ;)

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  13. What use is blog if you can't spew out all your bad juju every once in awhile. Keep going if you need too.

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  14. Being stabalicious is NOT a bad thing!!! I am super sorry to hear about your grandpa. I know how tough it is. They're there for so long, larger than life and then poof everything changes.

    (((Huggles)))

    *not to be confused with huggies which according to Al Gore are EVIL or should be used as a biofuel or some such BS. I digress*

    Spew forth your venom and fear and personal disgust for people who are incapable of being nearly human, we're here to listen to ya dahlink!

    I do wish you the brightest blessings through this horrible time.

    ~S~

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  15. It all comes at once, I know. I'm sorry your Grandpa is dying, and I totally, totally get it. When my grandparents were dying I worried about my mom too. It's hard. xo

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  16. Let the raw come out. I can't tell you that it'll be ok, but I can tell you that you'll survive. I know you will. Because you're strong and capable and a wonderful mother.

    And after all this settles out (and it will in time) you'll still be the beautiful girl I fell for at first tweet.

    ;)

    Hugs from the East Coast.

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  17. Jen, you are such a compassionate and strong woman.


    I have three bits of wisdom.

    Spend time with your grandfather while you can.

    Support your mom and tell here that you love her; it will act as the fuel she needs to help her deal with all of this.

    Fuck DonkWad, well not in the ‘Chico’ sense. You’re the one obviously taking the role of parenting seriously.

    Oh, and you still look great with the lack of makeup, doing your hair and no shower.

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  18. First, you look lovely w/ no makeup and chipped toenails. :)

    I am sorry about your grandpa. Dealing with that is so hard. And I'm so sorry about your mom too. It's so difficult dealing with the coming-death of one of your parents, and holy hell-the wills and estates and fucked up relatives...gah, they just don't help things at all. We had that here in my family....my mom's brothers all turned into big assholes when my grandma finally died. It was awful.
    I will pray for your mom, you, your grandpa...

    And his dad. Gah, he's such an ass. I really really hope he one days puts his own kid's needs over his own stupid shit. I know it's gotta be so hard to put up with his shit, and still be the person you want to be. Stay strong, honey.
    I'm here if you need me.

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  19. New reader, still catching up, but....

    Sorry to hear about the suckiness. I hope what can get better, does. And I hope was can't get better will come to pass without breaking your heart too much.

    Also? Also, I have a Gabriel myself and a douchebag ex. I sympathize much.

    Hope you have fun at Blogher <3

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  20. I'm sorry things are so sucky. On all fronts. I'm going to send you mental hugs now (and a few mental junk-hits to DorkWad), and give you a really big one when I see you in person next week. (It's almost here!!)

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  21. I'm sorry to read about your grandpa and the continuing saga of jerkiness perpetrated by Gabriel's father. As you know, my grandpa died last Fall. It's not an easy thing and all I can recommend is to try to not let yourself get too exhausted or hold things in. It was one of the hardest things that I've ever been through, but it was also an incredible experience in terms of getting to know myself and family better. Take it easy, Jenny!

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  22. OMG *HUGS*

    You still look lovely.

    I'm sorry you're having to cope with dying Grandpa, but glad that you have even this time to deal & spend with him. Celebrate his life while he's here!

    Such a bummer about the custody issues. REALLY sucks about the defamation of your brother's character. ;(
    And Gabriel's bedtime. ;/

    Please have an amazing time next weekend!

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  23. Ok, first...you are gorgeous no matter what, because you it's from the inside and outside....
    Second, I am sorry about all the piles of crap you seem to have to deal with...wish I could make it all go away.
    But you are strong and feisty and will plow through it all.

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  24. Ugh. I'm so sorry about your grandfather. My grandpa just passed away two weeks ago. He was my dad's dad and I think one of the hardest things was seeing my stong, brave father cry and say how much he misses his dad. So I totally know what you are going through. Plus, you seem like a really strong person and I am totally not. So if I can get through it I know you can.

    And we all know Gabe's dad is a total dick. Sometimes when things come down on you all at once it is much harder to cope. Just try to get through each day, one day at a time and eventually things will calm down again.

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  25. Oh, my. Honey. I'm aching for you.

    I hope that you can spend as much time with your Grandpa is you want before his time comes. I hope that your mother finds a balance in all this. I hope that Gabe's dad sees what a worthless POS he's being and figures out that his SON needs a real FATHER, not just some dude who wants to piss off his mom.

    Mostly, I hope you feel better.

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  26. I'm so sorry for all you are dealing with. I know that worry - the one about your own parents when they are dealing with the mortality of their parents.

    Sending hope for easier times ahead for you.

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