09 July 2009

Relations

I like to tell people that the only reason I have so many crazy stories about my family is that there are so damned many of us. You get enough people together, and some of them WILL be insane. However if I'm perfectly honest, my family has a little something extra going for it.
So!
Mentioned on Twitter the other night!

*One of my aunt's blew her life savings investing in over-sized condoms. This is only made better by the fact that this is the incredibly socially awkward spinster aunt whose greatest love is her tiny lap dogs.

*My cousin Berry, who is my uncle Randy's son, lives in a box in my uncle Jonathan's living room.

*My mom's cousin Scott has a mail-order bride. Actually he got her on the internet, but I think 'mail-order' still works. She's from Thailand and she cost $25,000. I'm pretty sure that for $2000 I could get a plane ticket to Thailand and go pick out my own wife, but I guess that's not really the point. He bought her when he was 44 and she was 22; I think that was four years ago. They had a kid, and afterward when to visit Thailand, where for 400 Baht, she had her vagina "made to look like a 14-year-old's again." I just did the conversion, and that comes around $11.75 USD, and even in Thailand I'm not sure what kind of surgery you can have for $12 that's remotely safe, but I don't plan on having elective surgery on my ladybits anyhow.
The boughten-wife is pregnant again, but since she's all reconstructed Down There, she has to have a C-Section, which is how it came to be that Scott told us all about The Procedure. And just so you know, all of us included, at the time, me, my sister, my mom, his sister, ET CETERA. It was mixed company, yo.

*My grandma used to be a pigeon farmer. Did you know that there is a market for farmed pigeons?

28 comments:

  1. How old is the cousin who lives in a box?

    Your mom's cousin...oh.my.GOD. For serious? Do they love each other? WOW.

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  2. I want to live in a box. Just for the experience.

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  3. Hey be thankful its not in your IMMEDIATE family so you are safe.

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  4. Oh my goodness...seriously. SO.DAMN.FUNNY
    You know, thinking about it though... I would be able to scrape together a few VERY odd things about my family too.

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  5. My friend Dingman races pigeons. He has some 2000 pigeons.

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  6. A. How old is Berry?
    B. How big is the box?
    C. Does it have cable and plumbing?

    These are things I need to know! First time poster, but longtime stalker, btw. Excellent blog.

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  7. Wow.The best part about this is that you had already told me a bunch of stories, but not the box and the mail order bride. I still want to come to your house for Thanksgiving.

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  8. My kids are currently sleeping in the box my patio furniture came in. $25,000 for a mail order bride? There's a fine line between mail order and human trafficking.

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  9. I want to marry into your family. Please?

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  10. Oh my! Your family is hilarious. Seriously, you are making the Osbornes seem utterly boring. I love it about your cousin and the mail order bride. I do not understand why someone would need surgery "down there" -- I mean what the heck are they doin', are we talking marathon sex that would make her 26 year old V need a lift?

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  11. 1. What do racing pigeons do?
    2. Berry must be 35 or 36 years old.
    3. It's a medium sized box.

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  12. So, one relative lives in a box and another had reconstructive surgery on hers?

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  13. I don't even know what to say.

    I am speechless.

    Your family is hilarious. (to me)

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  14. You can't make that stuff up!
    Wait, do you EAT farmed pigeons or send them out to get the mail?

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  15. Kate and Stacy heard the full rundown of pigeon racing. I just heard the general statement and stopped listening. There's already too much confusion in my life to start messing with that.

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  16. The Chicago pigeons are scary but I would love to see a pigeon farm!

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  17. Pigeons are on my shit list. We have ginormous chicken sized ones in my backyard. Evil pooping gigantic pigeons.

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  18. 2 things:

    1-That I keep assuming I can't be shocked by you and Molly anymore because I've heard so many of your stories....very naive on my part as neither of you ever fail to make my jaw drop.

    2-That after each of those family stories the comments are mostly about the pigeons and the box. :)

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  19. I had a friend who bought his wife from the Phillipines. When he started telling me about how he pimps her out to other men while he watches, I ended an 8 year friendship over it.

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  20. I was told on Twitter to send Grace some hugs from Cute Ella is Bold soooooo HUGS !!! I hope whatever I'm hugging you for gets better soon.

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  21. Forget coming over for Thanksgiving, I want to be adopted! This is better than TV. :)

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  22. I'm the man in a box! Oh....sorry, started singing Alice In Chains there! But seriously...that is...whew...I'm going to see if I can grow some pigeons...is it too late to start planting?

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  23. My uncle Jerry got a mail-order bride from Fiji. He was soooo "in love" that he hopped on a plane, and married her IN FIJI. Then couldn't get her into the country for a year.

    When he finally got her here, she got her green card and ran.

    I feel very sorry for these women- that their lives in their home countries are so terrible, they whore themselves out to disgusting American men just to leave get out. If only all of them could be as smart as my uncle's.

    Although, last I heard, he got another one- from Thailand this time.

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  24. OMG, OMG, OMG.

    This made me laugh so hard- you take the cake for interesting family stories!!

    My question is: what if the mail order bride is sceeved out by the guy she marries? can she leave?

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  25. OMG. Holy fuckdoodles, yo! Those are some crazy stories!

    We have some, certainly, but indeed, our family is a bit smaller. ;p

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  26. This is amazing. I feel like I'm learning about the characters in a movie ...

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