31 May 2009

I'm full of Ideas

*My mom, sister and I have totally extended this Going To Chico metaphor, to our endless amusement.
"Hey my mom has the kids, you wanna Go To Chico tonight?"
"My girlfriend NEVER wants to Go To Chico anymore."
"We didn't Go To Chico, we stopped in Sacramento."
"I heard it was pretty scandalous. They went all the way to Redding."
Endless hours of amusement

*I can't find my camera. I'm fairly certain I last had it at home, which leads me to believe that it must be in a pocket or an interesting shelf or a Safe Place somewhere or other, but I've cleaned my apartment top to bottom today and come up with nothing.
I wouldn't normally worry too much, but without a regular peppering of photos, y'all might notice the glaring lack of substantive content here. Yikes.
Also, Gabriel is making strawberry stew for his Lego men right now, and he's dressed as a pirate, and this moment is going undocumented.

*I can't find my debit card either. I used it to buy gas yesterday, so Reason tells me that I just didn't put it back in my wallet, that it's floating around on its own somewhere, and again with the Safe Place Mistake. Could Safe Place Mistake be the name of a blog?

*And while we're listing Things I Cannot Find:
-My mending kit, which I last had in my hands sometime last week, when I took it away from Gabriel. I've been looking for it ever since, as I have two pairs of pants in need of button repair.
-My knitting needles, last seen God Knows When, but I have something like 25 pairs, so I can't quite figure how it's reasonably possible that they all just up and walked away. I've been half-heartedly searching for about a month now, but have yet to launch a full-scale Hunt.
All of these lost things are especially vexing as I have a one of those tiny apartments where everything has a home and if that thing should end up Out instead of Away, it's instantly apparent because there it is! On my couch! Or on the coffee table!

*Apropos of nothing, someone should start up a series about things to Avoid When Drinking Alone, such as Lifetime Original Movies, and Skype.

29 May 2009

Istanbul Dress

Bright and fun with a flattering cut. S, M, L for $42.99 at ModCloth.

Sadly I have no need for such codes

Apparently every time I go to Chico for the weekend, my grandpa tells my mom something along the lines of, "God I hope she doesn't come back pregnant."

My mom says he thinks that "Going to Chico" is code for "Going to visit Gabriel's dad and have S-E-X." While ideally my grandpa wouldn't think about me having sex ever, at all, I would be less offended if he just thought "Going to Chico" was code for sex with strangers. The fact that he thinks it's remotely possible that I would still be sleeping with That Man is just...extra repulsive.

Also, Going To Chico is (unfortunately for me) not code for HAVING SEX with anyone. I mean, gawd, not because that wouldn't be nice and all. As a person who's managed to have sex exactly zero times in the past year, let me just tell you, I AM NOT OPPOSED.

So. While I know my grandpa doesn't read my blog because he's (a) legally blind and (b) did I mention blind, I do feel the need to point out that for one, Going To Chico is not a euphemism for Having The Sex (although I dearly wish it was) and for two, even if I did have some fancy-pants travel code for gettin' some, it would NEVER be with Gabriel's dad, and I would NOT be coming home pregnant.

28 May 2009

Girl Talk Thursday - Making it Up

I have the world's most crazy-sensitive, Casper-white skin. So once I discover what works that doesn't make my skin (a) get all peely and weird or (b) break-out, I stick to it.

I wear sunscreen every single day of my life. This Neutrogena SPF 70 stuff. I use it as my lotion. I also color in my eyebrows every single day, because if I don't, my eyebrows are only visibly about 1/2" long, and that's problematic. I use Maybelline's Expert Eyes® Twin Brow & Eye Pencils in Blonde. I'm actually a Sephora makeup snob, so I'm sure there's something better out there, but I've been using this since I was about 13 years old, and so far, no one has accused me of Cholita Eyebrows.

On a day that I'm wearing makeup, my skin being the crazy-sensitive creature that it is, I have a very specific routine. I start with philosophy the supernatural tinted foundation primer. 90% of the time this is it for my face, if I'm going somewhere I have to bring my A Game, I'll go over it with Bare Escentuals Mineral Veil. If I have zits, I use Neutrogena Skin-Clearing Oil-Free Concealer. I use whatever eyeliner I have floating around, Stila eyeshadow and the occasional smudge pot, depending on if it's work makeup or going out makeup I use either Rachel Perry (lightweight), or Fiberwig (vaVOOM) mascara.

The only lip anything I ever wear that isn't chapstick is Clinique Almost Lipstick in Black Honey, which I'll recommend to anyone with lips. Including you.

27 May 2009

An exciting evening in text messaging

Edited because apparently I didn't have the text messages in the right order the first go around, and Julia pointed out that her responses make a lot more sense when you read the conversation in the correct order.


I saw K at the club as we were leaving on Saturday night (at say, 145? 2am?). We made eye contact, but no words were spoken. About 27 seconds later, I got a text message. As I was going to check it, Julia plucked my phone out of my hands and told me, "Whatever insanity he's sending you, it's just going to make you angry and ruin your night." (She is wise) And then she responded to his texts, occasionally saying things out loud like, "Oh wow. He REALLY knows how to push your buttons" or "I can see why you get so MAD at him."

Their conversation went like this:

First message was deleted because Julia thought maybe he was only sending one and I could just pretend it wasn't true, but her response:

J -What are you talking about

K: I switched with you this weekend because you said you had something important to do with gabe and i see you here.

J - Gabe and i have important stuff to do but it's past his bedtime now! Thanks for the concern

K - I am here because you said you needed to switch for what reason? I was here for a wedding last time and you didn't watch gabe and he got his face scratched up.
K - Are you going to watch him tomorrow or will you let it happen again?
K - Gabe has NEVER been babysat with me so maybe leave with me the next time you need to see your girlfriend.

J- The reason is still the same. I am glad you are concerned but everything is fine! Thanks!

K - It's not just concern jenny, i don't need to go out, my girlfriend and i are happy staying home raising gabe if you aren't at the point in life where you can
K -Handle him. Think about him.

J- No that will not be necessary. Glad to hear you care about your son. He is safe and sound. Goodnight!

SO. I love this exchange for a lot of reasons, mainly Julia's refusal to acknowledge K's insanity, which I am simply unable to do. But I would like to add some editorial, because I'm me.

I switched with you this weekend because you said you had something important to do with gabe and i see you here. Um. We switched weekends because I need to switch weekends in June for work, and K said that he wanted to switch now, which was fine with me because I like Gabriel and would be happy to have him every damned weekend, but not exactly a big important plan in my life. I asked him if he only wanted to switch for June, or from that point forward. He said from that point forward, so I asked him if he wanted to wait until June to start that, or start it now. He picked now. Also, I mentioned that my family was having a Memorial Day BBQ, which they did, on Memorial Day, which was Monday, so perhaps that is the important thing of which he's thinking?

Handle him. Think about him. Thanks for the advice dude. As the parent in this relationship that makes sure our son is nurtured and safe and healthy and happy, I've pretty much got this covered, but good to know it's on your mind too, what with you being his father and all. Thanks!

It's not just concern jenny, i don't need to go out, my girlfriend and i are happy staying home raising gabe if you aren't at the point in life where you can
Yeah, that won't be necessary, but I do have to ask: Which girlfriend? Inquiring minds want to know.

Gabe has NEVER been babysat with me so maybe leave with me the next time you need to see your girlfriend. Ooh my girlfriend. Nice. Gabriel has most likely never been babysat when he's with you because you only have him one night every couple of weeks. And who the fuck would you have babysit? Gabriel's in a home he's known since he was less than a year old, with people he's known just as long. My friends, who I know I can trust, who have kids of their own.

Are you going to watch him tomorrow or will you let it happen again? Um. What?

I am here because you said you needed to switch for what reason? I was here for a wedding last time and you didn't watch gabe and he got his face scratched up. I'll assume you're talking about this. Which leads me to believe that in your strange little mind the fact that Leo scratched Gabriel in what was literally a 2 second interaction on a Saturday afternoon would somehow have been prevented had I not chosen to go out, once both children were asleep, on Saturday night. I am dying to have this theory explained to me in greater detail. Seriously. I'm on the edge of my seat.

26 May 2009

Climbing Ladders

Gabriel & Mimi on the ladder

I hated being 16 around us too

My 17-year-old brother James makes the poor fashion choices that one would expect of a self-conscious teenager. Unfortunately for him, he makes these choices in front of his endlessly amused audience of siblings.


We think we're funny.





That makes James sad.


My sister thinks it's unclear if his OBEY hat means that he is agreeing to obey, of that he wishes others to obey him. She thinks he should get a jacket with a qualifying statement embroidered in silver on the back. Something along the lines of, "And when I say OBEY, I mean that I expect YOU to obey ME, and not vice versa."

22 May 2009

I'm tired of your Flashdance costume. Please stop.

When I get dressed, the main objective is that heterosexual men find me attractive. That's the singular goal of 'looking good.' I don't mind being objectified occasionally.

Which brings me to my rant. What in the living fuck are some women (girls?) thinking when they get dressed in the morning??
I'm not talking about throwing clothes on because you can't very well go to work naked, pulling on jeans and a sweatshirt as you're walking out the door and you barely got your kids dressed so don't anyone expect you to brush your hair, running to the store for milk in a ratty old wife beater and a pair of sweats. I do that, everyone does that, and fuck you in the neck if you want to get all uppity Judgy McJudgerson about that shit. Fuck you directly.

I'm talking about putting together an outfit. Creating an ensemble for the day, looking in the mirror, appraising, thinking, "Yes. THIS is a good choice."
And I know that women follow fashion for the sake of other women. Truly, I get that. But I work with and around the Fashion-Forward-Nineteen-Year-Old set, and I don't understand the objective of dressing like one of the Olsen Twins, or like an American Apparel model. Skinny jeans only look good if you are skinny, and even then, meh, not really. Seriously, I see WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE DRESSED LIKE THIS on a daily basis (go on, click over, I'll wait). I see some incarnation of that fucking headband at least 10 times daily.
What is that? I mean, that is an outfit choice people. That's not just a scrubby throw-together. That's a put-together, looked-in-the-mirror-and-decided-to-leave-the-house out and out look.

I'm not saying that I'm particularly likely to sacrifice comfort for appearance, but I am saying, that if I make an effort my single objective is to look good. That means I want my waist to look small, my tits to look perky, my ass to look cute, and my clothes to fit me right. I just don't understand why anyone makes any effort for any other reason in the world.


When K and I went to court for the second time, we agreed on preliminary custody & child support until we go to mediation in June (and court again in July). I didn't even consider the fact that K might actually pay me the ordered support; he's not typically good with that sort of thing.

We were discussing some weekend switch around stuff (via email) and I asked if he was going to pay support, and he said he'd already put it in the mail. Yesterday, which was probably a week after that discussion, he asked me hadn't I ever received that check?
Okay I'll cancel that one and send you another one. I must've forgotten to put your unit number on the envelope.

I never even considered that this could be the truth. I've heard the I sent you money just kidding! thing too many times to even give it pause. We're talking about the guy who right in front of me withdrew $340 and then handed me $300 because "this is my daily withdrawal max so I can't give you any more."

And then I got home, and I had a much abused and fondled envelope from K, with no apartment number on the address, which likely delayed its arrival. It had my check, for the proper amount.
I called him to let him know, but he had already canceled the check, and I have to wait for him to send another one.


He was telling the truth, and not acting like a douche nozzle. I just thought I would let you know.

21 May 2009

Banana Republic/GAP/Old Navy STUFF

So I have a Banana Republic card, and I get "rewards" when I use it. With my most recent statement, I got a $40 rewards card. And then I got a duplicate statement, with a second $40 reward card. And then I logged on to spend my free money and typed in the codes and they were actually both worth $50. And then I inexplicably got an EXTRA $50 off? Plus free shipping. So I bought a bunch of stuff, because I had $150 to blow through right quick in a hurry, plus 20% off for using my card? On a purchase of $0? Yes please!

For Gabriel, I got Plaid flat front shorts (19.99) and a Junk Food™ Superman T-Shirt (17.99), both from The GAP.

And for me. Good lordy this might take awhile. A cropped canvas peacoat (on sale for $14.99?!?!)
Kiwi green intarsia sweater (on sale for $12.99) (I already have the blue one with the birdie on it)
Women's Classic Rise Boot-Cut Jeans on sale for $20 (yeah I wear classic rise jeans. I'm a mom. Shut up).
So that was all from Old Navy. From Banana Republic I got this (hopefully fabulous) jersey t-shirt dress for $49.99.
And orchid hairclips in both coral and orange ($12 each).

So yeah. If you get free money in the mail? I can spend it for you right quick and in a hurry.

20 May 2009

Apparently this is now a photo blog

A mommyblog photoblog? Seriously though, I got nothing.

I'm experimenting with a new diet, which I'm calling "eating less." I'm peppering it lightly with a regimen of "exercising more." Preliminary results seem promising, but I'll report back with final conclusions at a later date.

I'm thinking about starting up a more anonymous blog so I can bitch more freely about people and things in my real life. But if I do, I won't tell you about it, so...I guess I could be blogging elsewhere RIGHT NOW and you would NEVER KNOW. Except I'm clearly not so good with the secrets, so there's that.

I like...stuff.
Good news! My son? My adorable son? He is still adorable! Observe:

Gabriel Weepy Face



Proving that Nasturshims are Edible

18 May 2009

Wine Stoppers!

Let's make drinking prettier, shall we? In order, you can find these stoppers here, here, here, here (with lots and lots of really lovely variations) and here (this one's also a pourer, all practical-like).

Happenstances I happen to like

*The Official White House Photostream.

*Last night Gabriel tied a string to his helicopter, told me it was his new kitty named Bubbles, and proceeded to "walk" it around the house, pet it, ask it if it was okay, offer it some tea. I was sitting on the couch and he came over to me, put his hand on my knee, looked in my eyes, asked, "How are you doing Mama?"
"Oh I'm okay, I just have a little bit of a headache."
"Oh. Do you need me to leave you alone so you can have some space and feel better?"
"No sweetie, you're absolutely fine."

*Gabriel has these massively swollen mosquito bites on his back. Seriously, they look almost like hives. He has very sensitive skin, so bug bites, scratches and the like always look particularly bad. He was getting into his 'jamas, and had his pants on but not his shirt. He lay down on the carpet and started wiggling around. He looked like a puppy. A crazy, dancing puppy. I had to laugh. "If I wiggle extra right, it helps my itchies."

*At the pool the other day there was another woman, with her 2 1/2 year old son. He was running, so she took him aside. "You're just not being sensible right now. Mummy needs you to act sensibly. Can you do that for me?"
"I defensible." I think he was actually saying "I be sensible." It made me smile.

*On Saturday Gabriel and I went up to my parents' house. At one point I went to check on Gabriel. I found him sitting on the love seat in my 12-year-old brother Daniel's room. He and Daniel were splitting a pair of earphones, listening to Daniel's iPod, playing with legos, completely peaceful and absorbed.

*Walking around after work now that the weather is warmer and the days are longer. Alone or with Gabriel, it's so very peaceful.

17 May 2009

A day in successful parenting!

I went to SadieDey's Cafe in Oakland with Papasan & Momily, VDog, and all associated small children. LOVED this place. Gabriel played for five straight hours with no tears or meltdowns (although he DID interrupt a live musical performance to tell the guy that (a) he was the black spider-man, (b) on his next birthday he'll be four, and (c) CAN YOU BE QUIET I CAN'T HEAR MY MOM. So.

I sort of completely and utterly failed with the whole "take pictures of your child during legitimate out-of-the-house social activity." Luckily, Papasan did not, and I'm stealing his photos from the afternoon.

Momily tested out some of the toys. I think they passed.

Gabriel with little Magoo. They're getting married someday. Hopefully.

16 May 2009

Weekly Winners - Gabriel's Baby

Weekly Winners


Baby Wearer


My Friday night in Tweets

(Click to embiggen.)
I got home from work and immediately brought up nipples. Spectacular success or spectacular failure? Meh, tough call.

And then I drank enough that the avatars of @BusyDadBlog & @badassdad05 started to look IDENTICAL. Because they are both wearing shirts. That's how I roll.

Is there a better way to spend a Friday night?

I think it's happening again tonight. Yknow, if you wanna play too or something.

15 May 2009

Girl Talk Thursday, er, Friday

Better late than never, right?

So first, Maria is talking about GIRL CRUSHES! Can I just like, make a list of women I fantasize about?
With Pictures?
Oh. You just want pictures??
Oh. Okay.

Second, The Bloggess wrote this list of surprising guys that she does (and doesn't) want to have sex with (post is not particularly adult-themed, but site hosting is an adult website (Eden Fantasys)and may or may not be safe for work). Anyways. I feel like she stole my list. Srsly.

13 May 2009

Just keep shoveling it on

I have an acceptable weight range. At the upper end of that range is a number that's not like, gee I'm super thrilled I weigh this much, but like, I weigh X, and that's more than ideal, but not SO much that I feel ugly and worthless. Cuz look, bewbs! Big giant boobies!

At the doctor today (to talk about anxiety, of all things), I found out that I weigh a good 10lbs over the upper range of "barely acceptable."

So that sucks. (Although explains why I've been feeling so fat lately. BECAUSE I AM)

So. I'm dieting. With goals and shit.

My life sure is awesome right now.

Wordless, REALLY

12 May 2009

When crippling anxiety keeps me from writing

I've been living with a torturous anxiety knot in my stomach for a couple weeks now. Not only is giving myself an ulcer superduper lots of fun, I can't sit still or look at or think about anything for any significant amount of time. So I haven't been writing. I've been taking some Worth 1,000 Words pho-toes, but that's about all I can manage.

This is a 100% accurate portrayal of how I feel about my phone, and anything that has to do with using it. I've noticed that my friends have a hard time understanding how stupefyingly ghetto and frustrating to use this piece of crap is. So don't be surprised if you see me and I shove it in your face demanding, "I dare you to use it. Send a text message without accidentally turning it off. Go ahead, I dare you." Then you will understand.

As an aside, this picture should also give you a shockingly good idea of C's World View.

Julia & C, as a couple, in a nutshell:


The wee little person who keeps me sane and brings me joy. The same little person whose very existence creates a whole world of angst and worry and Protective Mother Bear Hands Off I Will Fuck You Up Mother Fucker:


What else is there?
I think that everyone who works at Victoria's Secret should be shot. Particularly the supremely unhelpful little bitches I dealt with on Saturday.
I think "Loss Prevention Specialist" is the worst security guard title I've ever seen.
This guy asking us for money on the walk home Saturday sang a song that I've had stuck in my head ever since. I'm considering doing a video clip for express purpose of bringing it into your world.
I also want to learn me some animation so I can properly reenact the time a 40-year-old stripper slathered in Lubriderm did a naked handstand onto my friend Ben's face.

I reviewed a book over at Disgraced Shopping (adult material)

The super hot Room 704 Ladies let me share one of my vanilla vodka plus question mark equals magic concoctions.

If you really miss me and my words, I've been discussing muscle relaxers in twitter. Yes, my updates are protected. It's The Strategical, so if you request to follow me, you have a 99.999997% chance of a yes vote. So if I say no, you can REALLY feel bad about yourself.