16 April 2009

Girl Talk Thursday - Sex Shenanigans

I don't know if you've noticed, but I don't tend to talk about sex with anyone besides myself on this site. That's because my stories are either fantastically embarrassing or genuinely personal, and I do in fact have a (paper thin!) filter on my writing.
That said, yesterday was Maria's birthday! How can I do anything less than make a fool of myself?


This is not technically about sex, but it's DEFINITELY shenanigans.

Right before I moved from Chico we had a "going away party" (quotes necessary). If memory serves correctly, Stella, Sheena, Darci and I went out. At some point, per usual, the grownups went home, and Stella and I continued adventuring. Some of her friends from the Bay Area were in town, and we accompanied them to an afterparty at the bachelor hovel of some mutual friends.
We were...hmm....slightly more than drunk. Pretty much all night, I was sitting on the couch wrapped up in a blanket, enjoying the heck out of drinking about ten gallons of water. At sometime closer to day than night, I wanted to go to bed, and I went with Stella and a few other people downstairs, in search of something resembling an unoccupied horizontal surface.

I found a stripper pole.

So I'm laying on the floor in this dark creepy basement space, and Stella's there, and some guys I know, including one of Stella's friends, who really, desperately wants to lie down with me.
Know this: I could not have been more clear about the fact that he was getting none. NONE. I think my exact words were, "I'm absolutely not hooking up with you." "Oh nah, that's cool, I know it's not like that."
We're lying there, and the whole time it's just me slapping his hands off my boobs and out of my pants, until it FINALLY occurs to me that I LIVE AROUND THE CORNER. Fuck. This. I tell Stella I'm out, she says she's staying, fine. Dude follows me upstairs. I'm at the front door. He's got his hands on my hips, asking me "Why you gotta be like this?" It's 730 in the morning.
"I'm leaving."
"Can't I just dry hump your leg for a little bit?"
"WHAT? No."
"Look, I don't care if you have to rub one out real quick in the bathroom, or do whatever you need to do, but this CAN'T be a surprise. I'm leaving."


That was that.

Bonus! Picture from that night! Don't Stella and I look completely sober and capable of making wise choices?

Sotally Tober


  1. Oh yeah. You look totally look like you are not about to *fall over* if you were not holding each other up...

    Ahhh... the days of being young and single... man I got quite a few shananigan stories in my vault.... somehow they are not the right thing to post on my site though :)

  2. That is perhaps the worst or the best pick up line I've ever heard. I really can't tell which it is right now.

  3. In the long annals of seduction, the query "Can't I just dry hump your leg for a little bit?" must go down as one of the greatest all time. I cannot believe you did not, in fact, let him dry hump your leg after such a thoughtful request.

  4. Wow. Dry hump your leg? That will be burned in my memory forever! lol!

  5. Guys can be such dipshits. I remember my roommate, Tara once embarrassed a guy so bad. Apparently he asked (in a sensual way - think soap opera).... "Can I pleasure you?" She busted out laughing so damn hard he actually (well after a few moments of hysterical laughing from Tara) bolted from the apartment. I mean BOLTED. Guys can be so silly.

  6. he he he ... funny story ... and sooooo relatable!!!


  7. Oh my gawd, I havent heard that in years..."rub one out". ha ha ha!

  8. Love the new blog design, looks great!

  9. Well, of the two of you, I'd say you look the least likely to barf and pass out ;)

    Almost any line a horny guy comes up with sounds stupid. I always liked the silent type.

  10. OMG...finally I can comment again. That last form thing you had hated me. Like a personal hate.

    Oh the wise and witty words that were lost to that fucktarded form.

    Anyhoo.....maybe one day I'll tell you about the time I found myself on the side of the road...napping...while my friend pulled her pants down in the middle of the street. And sat down. Yeah...class.

    Until then...we'll just go with your experiences, lol.

  11. I had a bad run in with a stripper pole once.

    This was awesome, thank you for playing along!!