14 January 2009

The DMV totally steals babies and resells them as midget slaves.

So back in November or something I realized that the DMV was fucking up my life, and I finally managed to get my hands on that driver's license they had owed me since June. Even if I had realized then that my registration renewal was writhing in the Depths of Hell, it would have been too late, cuz it was totally due in Ocotber, and the sons of bitches never sent it to me.

I noticed on Saturday. Well, full disclosure, K noticed on Saturday. "Do you know that your stickers are expired?" "Um. No."

I tried to call on Monday but the evil bastards did that thing where you wait on hold For Ever and then a recording says, "We are too busy to take your call. *Click*"


I called on Tuesday, waited like 40 minutes to talk to someone, and then I told them how my registration was due in October but I never received the notice and it was totally their fault because they're the ones who fucked up my license and sent it to a non-existant address.

Then the guy asked me if I'd moved and I was like, Bitch Please. I haven't moved suckers, y'all are just fucked up. Then he told me that wasn't so because my license and my registration didn't talk to each other and I was like Huh. That doesn't make any sense.

Then he asked me for my license plate number so he could look it up and I don't know that, and then he asked for my VIN, because yeah, I don't remember my license plate by my VIN? I've totally got you COVERED. I told him I know my license number and he was all, we're not supposed to use that, so I asked if that meant that they COULD use that. Well yeah, but we can't. Can't you just ask me a whole bunch of personal information like how often I trim my nose hair and figure it out? Well we have all that stuff, but we're not supposed to look at it.


That makes me feel just super about what's going in YOUR office.

As an aside, that guy totally freaked me out cuz he had total normal California accent until he told me that DMV employees "Ought not use driver's license information to verify registration." Oh you ought not? Where the fuck was I when we wandered into a Jane Austen novel?

So I called today, yada yada yada same ridiculousness where they tell me there's NO POSSIBLE WAY my driver's license address and my registration address are linked to the same NON-EXISTENT address but then after about eleventy seven and a half minutes it turned out that oh yeah! They totally are! Fuck you in the neck DMV. Fuck you for serious. So I told dude to suck it and the upshot is that now I have to go in person to beg them to waive my late fees. Suck.

Tomorrow morning I "get" to skip work to sit in the DMV, which is totally not the same thing as skipping work to sit in a hot tub, and I'm looking forward to it zero percent. Just saying.


  1. You know what's interesting? Is that it's not called the "DMV" in every state. I know in MA it's called "RMV." Here it's called "Penndot." Which I love.
    And... we can do the registration and address change and a ton of other requests purely online.

  2. My fiance got his notice one year to renew his license. Ok good so far. He went online and paid for the new tag. He waited and waited and waited. No tag. So he called the office and asked where his tag was (this was about 6 weeks after he paid it so it was now late). They said that he paid the wrong amount. Hmmm so THEY made a mistake and told him to pay the wrong amount. So he pays the right amount (plus the late fees!!) and they send him a new plate. But the plate they sent was a duplicate so they made him send it back. While he was waiting for the right tag to come, he got pulled over and was given a ticket.

    Luckily, he contested the ticket in court and didn't have to pay it. That was the only lucky thing about the whole horrible experience.

  3. Dane Cook calls the DMV "Satan's Asshole". I don't think he was too far off.

    This post left me begging for an answer to one question: How often do you trim your nose hair?

  4. LMAO. You are killing me!
    Yeah, I remember the DMV days from HELL. Then I moved to Seattle where, as other astute commentors have mentioned, they call it something different. Here it is the DOL.
    And it sucks ass soooo much less! You just walk right in, wait about 5 minutes, accomplish something...done!
    I was shocked! I kept thinking I was in the wrong place or something.
    Downfall? I can't use the excuse, "I was stuck at the DMV" when I completely forget an appointment.

  5. Sounds like the phone call I'm on RIGHT FUCKING NOW.


    I'm either gonna cry or snap.

    Transferred money from bank A to bank B. Bank B sent me an error message saying the money wasn't available. Bank A says it's deposited. Where the flipityfuck is my MONEY assholes!

    Whew. OK. Sorry for making your blog sll icky with profanity. I AM CRANKY.

  6. Sounds about right to me. I've never had one single transaction with our "RMV" that didn't make my head almost blow off.

    Keep the faith, and take deep breaths is all I can say.

  7. hmm...I have never had these problems. I'll have to enjoy them vicariously through you ;)

    You should be able to get your VIN memorized by the time they get to you.

  8. I thought I'd gotten rid of the DMV once I stopped having a car, but I insist on losing my license at least twice a year, so I grace it with my presence more often than I'd like. They really are satan's asshole.

  9. Wow. The DMV in your area is totally evil. It's like they're out to get you. Seriously.

  10. That's just crazy. YOu can't make that kind of shit up.