15 November 2008

NaBloPoMo: I'm a bitch

Want to feel like a kinder, more giving, less judgmental person? Just start comparing yourself to me!

Here's what I did on Thursday:

First, I went to lunch with a coworker. At lunch, there was a little boy that I know from the park.

"I don't care for that child. I don't like looking at him. I don't like the way his head is shaped like an upside-down isosceles triangle, and I don't like the way his old parents have turned him into such a socially inept dork. I don't like him at all."

"Jenny, I think he's four."

"I don't discriminate based on age. He's still worthy of my hate."

Then, we drove from lunch back to work, and these three guys were in the crosswalk in front of me. Me, looking at one of them directly in the eye, with my window down.

"You are so ugly."

(He was, and not in a feel-sorry-for-his-hideousness genetic way, but in a too-much-meth-has-left-him-toothless way)

Then he was looking at me and I'm pretty sure he called me a bitch. I don't know for positive because he was muttering, but he did break a beer bottle on the sidewalk, and it was 1 o'clock in the afternoon.

"I don't understand why he's calling me a bitch. I didn't run him over, I let him cross the street, WHAT DID I EVER DO TO YOU ASSHOLE?"

"Jennifer, you just looked him dead in the eyes and told him he was ugly. That MIGHT be a factor."

"Oh. Yeah. That. Well he IS."

"I didn't say he wasn't ugly, I just said that he had grounds to call you a bitch. I'm also saying that he can totally kick your ass. Drive."

8 comments:

  1. some days are harder than others -- i imagine that you being a bitch is a transitory condition

    hope you are enjoying the conference

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  2. Ah, the beer bottle.

    Cheap beverage container, source of $0.05 at any redemption center, and instant white trash weapon.

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  3. I prefer the cut it so close they feel the cool edge of my bumper graze their grimy limbs.

    And it's totally justified to not like kids who you KNOW are going to grow up to be socially inept ass-wads.

    It's not bitchy. It's justified mental processing.

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  4. Jenny. It's time to get laid.
    - Daphne

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  5. You must have something wrong with your internal filter. Some things we can THINK we aren't always supposed to SAY out loud. Malfunctions happen to me all the time. LMAO

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  6. My opinion - never be ashamed of your inner bitch. Mine loves to come out and play...and I love for her to get the exercise.

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  7. I know people who think those things but don't say them aloud!
    I can't remember the last time I thought about an isoceles triangle.

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  8. LOL...If it makes you feel any better...I think I can be a bitch like that too--it is good to have friends that understand : )

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I live for validation.