16 October 2008

Okay! I get it already!!

On Monday I got a package from a college friend, to whom I haven't spoken in over a year. Not just spoken, I haven't even been in email contact with her lately. I absolutely love her, but she drank a little too much Crazy Juice after college, and I have a hard time relating to her these days. But a package! That's fun.

Do you know what she sent me?

Carmen Electra's Aerobic Striptease and Jillian Michael's - 30 Day Shred

No explanation. No note. No accompaniment.

Whoakay. No matter how good your intentions, there is exactly ONE scenario where it is okay to send your friend an exercise DVD:
The package was immediately prefaced by a conversation about said package. That conversation can either be about how she was looking for a great exercise DVD OR about a great exercise DVD that you have, and perhaps she would like you to send it.

We had neither conversation, so there's no way for me to really take this as anything less than mildly insulting and judgmental. Because no matter my friend's intentions, the message I took away went something like this:
Dear Grace,

How are you? I noticed that in the pictures you emailed me a couple of months ago you're....well a little heavy. Are you up to two chins or three these days? And what's the deal with the saddle bags? I know you put on some weight when you were pregnant with Gabriel (give him a kiss for me okay?), but I was just thinking, he'll be three at the end of January. I mean, I know it's normal to put on some baby weight, but what is this? Toddler weight? No. As of today, your jelly rolls are no longer acceptable. Don't even start with how it's only 10 lbs. That, my friend, is a slippery slope. Anyways. I thought you might drum up some excuse about not being able to afford a gym, and not having the hours in the day to take more time away from Gabriel, so I sent you these DVDs. Now you have no excuse, fat ass.

Love for always,

Me.

So, um. I guess I need to lose some weight?

7 comments:

  1. Maybe you should send her an AA pamphlet as a thank you.

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  2. Good grief. How the heck can you send a package like that and not even include a note? That's really wierd. If it makes you feel any better, I don't think you need to lose any weight! :)

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  3. I'm with Sus - some AA literature is oh so called for w/o a note.

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  4. Dude - for real? Who was this? I send gifts of JOY. Oh, and this is Daphne.

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  5. Are you sure she doesn't just want you to get healthy, instead of losing weight? Maybe she's really concerned about your Tone.

    Still, I'm with Sus and Josie, just to make sure she knows what's up.

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I live for validation.