22 September 2008

Just putting it out there

I save up all of these things inside of myself that I'm constantly wanting to tell all of the people in my life. I'm a wimp and I'm a coward and I can't stand confrontation and really, deep down, I want people to like me. So I often say nothing.

Don't you ever miss talking to me? I think I miss you every single day, but I don't understand how to be your friend. I can't take being the only one who tries, but I also can't believe that you don't miss me and love me and want me in your life the way that I miss and want and love you. Sometimes I think I imagined our friendship. Usually I just think I would be less hurt if I'd imagined our friendship.

I don't understand how you can be so cocky and so unsure of yourself at the same time. I also don't understand how you manage to channel your existence into the worst aspects of both.

I really did like you. Now? I really don't think I care.

You are a coward. I hope that someday you learn how to take a chance and trust someone.

Why do you lie to me? I assume that every word out of your mouth is untrue. I've told you this. Yet the lies? UNNECESSARY lies. They continue. Why?

Eventually you are going to realize that I'm a really selfish friend. I'm best at flaking out on people, but I'm also really good at ignoring them.

You deserve a whole lot better, and I don't think he's ever going to make you happy, no matter how hard you hope for it. I want you to know that, but I also want you to know that I will love you and respect your choices no matter what.

You constantly search out reasons to abandon stability.

You ignore the consequences of your actions. You're a true hedonist, and while I want to resent you for it, I really admire you.

I call you and you call me and I call you and you call me, but have we actually spoken to each other once? It's been years. You're entwined in so many of my memories. We're practically grownups. I miss you. It sucks.

I'm constantly convincing myself that I don't like you, spending time with you, remembering that I love you to pieces, and realizing all over again that it's just that your boyfriend sucks the joy out of living. No offense.

You're maintaining an impossible balance. I think that your life is about to come crashing down around your ears. Thinking about your life sends me into a panic attack.

You're one of the most bossy, judgmental people that I've ever met in my life. Even bossier and more judgmental than ME, and that's saying something. I still love you, but never once have I batted an eyelash when a mutual friend has decided they can't stand you. You're very off-putting.

You probably don't realize that I let you down. Maybe you never will. Regardless, I'm sorry.

I barely know you and I'm infatuated. It's strange, and I don't know what to do with those feelings, or where to put them.

11 comments:

  1. Writing these letters does help a little, right?

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  2. I do the exact same thing. Even when I make it up in my mind to cut someone out of my life, I don't ever tell that person. It's just too much confrontation. I bottle, and I bottle.

    Unless someone makes the mistake of confronting me...then, it is on. That person will hear things they never expected (stuff I've been bottling for a long time!)

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  3. I hope putting this into words and putting it somewhere helps you feel a little better or makes what you're feeling more manageable.

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  4. wrote you a long comment earlier and then blogger farted and it's gone...

    so, just know this, love this post!

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  5. I have been meaning to do one of these. Wow, beautifully written and very intriguing.

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  6. You know alot of people. Or you talk to alot of people. Or you think about talking to alot of people. Either way, great post.

    I was looking at your shop wares. And it's late, and I can't see all that good and I thought: Ha! I thought it said Vagitarian. And then I looked closer, and it did.

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  7. I enjoyed every second of this blog. I'll re-read it over and over. You are brilliant, deep, loving, wise and stronger than I could ever imagine being...

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  8. @Am I Doing Okay: I know an obscene amount of people.

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  9. This was a cool post, but we don't think it was for readers...it was for you, and that's so cool. We hope getting those feelings out helped some. It helps us to get ours out on paper occasionally...

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  10. Guessing that one of these is for me (and hoping it's the one I think): I totally concur. Not a day goes by that I don't have a memory that includes you (which is true whether your comment was directed at me or not).

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  11. Looks like you were right about this one... sigh....

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I live for validation.