13 August 2008

I talk to myself in the second person

5:47 AM: Open one eye, look at my clock. 3 minutes until my alarm clock causes me to die of a panic attack. Reach over, turn off alarm. Begin weighing the general merits vs. downsides of calling in sick today.
Every time I call in sick for no reason I ACTUALLY get sick no more than two days later. If I call in sick, it just means that I'm going to get sick on Friday. Do you think that it's a karmic response to my irresponsibility? Or do you think that I'm SO in touch with my body that my brain's all "Check it out dude, you're about to get sick, why don't you call in today?" Either way it's creepy.

6:05 AM: Roll over, Gabriel is in bed with me, all angelic and sweet looking, and
God it's warm in my bed. It's like a cloud, if clouds were warm. You know that part in
James and the Giant Peach where they fly their peach into the clouds and they're checking out the cloud people, and it's like, wow, that's great, cloud people! Except then the cloud people are all mean, and throwing shit at James and his posse of giant bugs? Well to be fair if I saw a mutant centipede my reaction might be similar, especially if I lived in the clouds and their weren't exactly a lot of ground-dwelling bugs, let alone giant ones. Anyways, that part always made me think how great fluffy clouds would be, except I live in Santa Cruz, where it's foggy almost every morning, and I know that the inside of a cloud would actually be a total Joy Suck, all dark and wet and cold. Plus, I would always have to worry about Gabriel running off the edge or whatever. Although on Earth I don't exactly worry about him running straight off a cliff or anything, so maybe I should give him more credit. Except maybe I only don't worry about that because we don't live near a cliff. When I was 7, we were at the Frantz' house, and they had a go-cart, and they were letting EVERYONE ride it but me, I mean, even Duncan, and he's 2 years younger than me, and that shit's not fair. So finally they let me ride it, and were like, "Check it out. Ride towards the hill when you get to the end of the drive." And they meant, the hill going up, so I would stop, but I thought, the edge of the cliff, where I would go careening into a ravine and land 75 feet below, broken and bloody. Well I didn't really think it through that far, but I understood them to mean the hill DOWN and not the hill UP, and then when I did stop half of the go-cart was teetering over the ledge and everyone was like "Holy Hell Jenny this is why we never let you touch our shit or do anything cool." So obviously if I lived on a cloud I WOULD have to worry about Gabe running off the edge, so on second thought, clouds totally suck, what the fuck was I thinking?

6:20 AM: Get up, go to the bathroom, wash my face, brush my teeth, start putting on my makeup.
You know what I always want to do? Just put makeup on half my face. Not like, Two Face style, obviously. But I really want to one day just put eyeliner and mascara on only one eye and not the other, just to freak people out. Plus I wonder who would notice. And of the people who would notice, who would tell me? Maybe that could be like, a test of friendship or something. Except I've been talking about doing that for I dunno 10 years or something and I never do it. God why am I such a pussy that I can't even fuck up my face for one day just to fuck with everyone?

6:30 AM: Finish putting on makeup, get dressed, start trying to wake up Gabey.
Jesus I hate waking this kid up. How am I going to deal with preschool when I have to get him up even earlier? That's gonna be a total suck. Plus I'm gonna have to feed him breakfast before we leave. Now he has breakfast at daycare. I'm gonna have to wake up at 5:30 just to get me ready to get him ready. That's gonna REALLY suck. Y'know, you wouldn't have to wake up so early if you didn't spend so much time dicking off in the morning. Whatever, it just takes me awhile to wake up is all. Jesus I can't wake up at 5:30. Do you know HOW DARK IT IS at 5:30? FUCK. Not possible. Maybe I should get married. That way my husband can drive Gabriel to school in the morning. Or at least make coffee and lunches. But what if he's a total deadbeat and I'm stuck trying to wake him up too, and taking care of EVERYONE? That would really suck. Maybe I should never get married and then I'll just be that crazy old lady alone with her cats. Except I don't have any cats. But I'm starting a succulent garden in my little strip of patio dirt. Maybe I can be a crazy plant lady. And I'll heal people with my wisdom and go on spiritual journey acid trips and shit. That would be seriously cool.

Fuck. I don't know why it's 7:15, but it is, and we gotta go.


  1. Wow. That kinda hurt my head to read.

  2. You can do it! I totally support you in your face fucking endeavors. Wait...that came out wrong....

  3. Wow! If that's what is going through your head while you're still trying to wake up...what is going on after a cup of coffee?

    Anyhoo, the calling in sick thing? Yeah, that happens to me too, then I end up going in when I really do feel like crap.

  4. Hi! Im new here!

    Thanks for your awesome comment about the love for my Apple Computer Video on Employee No 3699's blog! Cheers From one Enthusiast to another!

  5. I am so guilty of letting my thoughts ramble in the morning. And it's why I'm always running late!

    You should DEF try the half makeup thing.

  6. Getting married to have a guy make lunch and take the kid to preschool? Where do I apply?