24 July 2008

In which she talks about her body, because she is a girl

So before I get to the part where I tell you that I'm fat and I'm going on Weight Watchers tomorrow, let me just say this:  I don't really think I'm fat, and I don't think that Weight Watchers has anything to offer me.  I think Weight Watchers has LOTS to offer LOTS of people, but I'm pretty sure I already get it about eating less and exercising more, and I understand about portion sizes, and fruits and veggies.  I guess maybe paying to understand those things would make me a bit more mindful of them, so there's a thought.

There are parts of my body that I don't particularly care for; the flabby bits mainly, and the large pieces that don't look quite right since I up and birthed a child two and a half years ago.
The parts of my body I don't like now, aren't really particularly different than they were before I was a mom.  Like I said, I don't actually think I'm fat.  I think that I weigh more than I should, but unless I'm hanging out with the freakishly pretty girls from my high school, I'm pretty sure that no one's describing me as the fat chick.  If you are, you can suck it.
Right now, at the size I am right now?  There are things that I like.  
The main thing that I like is this:  finally, praise be to Jesus, FINALLY my boobs and my butt are sort of proportionately sized.  When I'm skinnier, my butt is....well it's big.  Which is fine, because it's not saggy big, or flat big, or wide big, or anything, it's just that it's nice to buy all of my clothes  in the same size.
There are also somethings that I don't like about my body right now.  I would like to be less thigh-y, and it would be nice if my stomach was flatter, even if I have to resign myself to stretch marks running all up and down and over the place.  And the main thing seems silly in my intellectual, evolved, thinking brain, but it's true: I don't like telling people how much I weigh.  I know that shouldn't be a big deal, or whatever, because it's just a number, or whatever. 
But I weigh a lot.
I'm freakishly strong, which I've decided means that I'm disproportionately made up of muscles, which I've heard are sort of heavy.  So even when I'm skinny, the number on the scale is still something that someone else of my height and build might be ashamed of.  So if I'm feeling bigger-than-I'd-like-to-be?  That scale number is WAY HIGHER than anyone might like to admit.  
When I go to the doctor?  Doctors like to tell me I'm fat.  Like even when I'm really, really skinny, as in I'm standing here in my undies and you can count my ribs from across the room skinny?  Well how much I weigh when I stand on a scale is just grazing the very top of acceptable Body Mass Index numbers.  Note to Medical Professionals:  Don't tell healthy looking people with healthy heart beats and healthy bodies that they're fat.  Especially when they're still teenagers, and vulnerable, and already suffering from crippling amounts of Self Conscious.  Stop looking at your charts.  Look at the person sitting in front of you, naked from the waist down.  She's a little girl, and she doesn't need you to tell her she's fat.  Especially if her pants size is in the single digits.  
I'm just saying.
You wonder why I don't like to go to the doctor....
And then right now?  When even I think I'm a little chubby?  I'm fucked, right?  It doesn't matter that I exercise almost every day, and that there are all kinds of things I don't eat, like trans fats and high fructose corn syrup and enriched flour, and DELICIOUSNESS.  Because I weigh too much.  So like I said, I'm fucked, right?
Because I really would like to set up some goals for myself.  Realistic, attainable, after school special, feel-good goals.   And I understand about portion control and EAT LESS, EXERCISE MORE, I guess I just need to DO it.  

Currently, I exercise fairly regularly, at least 4 times a week, sometimes more.  I basically exercise for the freedom to eat whatever I want without gaining weight.  And you should know, I really like eating.

So I need a regime change.

And it occurs to me:
Maybe you should also know, I had two glasses of wine when I went home for lunch today.  It's making me feel sort of.  Um.  Uninhibited?  And rambly.  And incapable of constructing proper sentences.  So there's that...  


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  1. I love wine drinking posts in general, and I really love this one.

    I cannot be helpful or anything, so just wanted to say that I am basically the same way - not going to be fat, generally healthy, but not necessarily where I would be in an ideal world. Which is kind of hard sometimes, actually.

  2. So, since the end of March, I have been using sparkpeople.com to help me focus my efforts on being healthy...

    I tell people how much I weigh, and they say, no way ... but it's true...and it's unhealthy for me because even if I don't look fat or feel fat (which I don't) my cholesterol spikes and I don't want to be unhealthy.

    I exercise a fair amount, too, in fact I have already run two half marathons this year and been keeping up my training fairly well even though I am not training for a race at present --- but I wasn't losing any weight...

    When I found sparkpeople, I was at my wits end on what to do -- I eat all kinds of healthy and still I gain weight or can't lose it.

    All that to say that when I started counting calories and being more conscious about getting all the nutrients I need, my BMI was in the obese range; 20 pounds lighter, no embarrassing meetings later, I am still in the unhealthy range, but feeling much better, having really changed my lifestyle and still working on losing the rest...

    Think of it as a lifestyle change... and only do it for yourself.

  3. My daughter thinks she's fat, but her doctor actually told her she is height/weight proportionate, but she's out of shape. So if she exercises and tones up she won't LOOK flabby. It was nice to hear a doctor say something like that for a change, instead of convincing her she needs to starve herself.

  4. so. last night I had my second personal training session with my friend the personal trainer. AND. do you know that I've never exercised a day in my life? not purposefully anyway, like in a gym.

    My self-awareness of my body is reluctant. Like, I was fine when I gained weight a couple of years ago, but it was other people who told me I was "getting up there" or I "have a belly" and you know what? I'm really resentful of it. Because, who fucking cares. I'm happier when I eat and drink whatever. Aren't you? And isn't the purpose of life to be happy? Is that what you want? For me to be UNhappy? well screw you.


    It's not such a bad thing to care about your health since it'll technically make you live longer.

    Just remember this- a waste is a terrible thing to mind. :)

    And? My personal training sesh? Every fucking muscle in my body hurts. And that doesn't make me happy. That makes me saaaad.

  5. you are beautiful.

  6. I really like this post because you hit on the whole medical professional part telling women they're "fat" or don't fit in the BMI index. My doctor likes to point that I'm in the "at risk" portion of the chart for my height which really upsets me. No matter how much weight I lose, I can't seem to go below a certain weight so even if I'm starving myself I'll always be "at risk." They should go f*ck themselves.

  7. Doctors are assholes!

    Most girls feel the same way. Weight and body image issues have been my main struggle my whole life. Pain in the ass really........
    You are beautiful and gorgeous. Your doctors LAME.

  8. Feeling your pain and verging on a size sixteen (I think I was an eight when we started college), I'm trying this book by Dr. Mark Hyman called UltraMetabolism (I hate the name, but it's really soundly based in science), and so far so good. I lost two pounds the first week, and that's without giving up alcohol like suggested (being a law student, that would be IMPOSSIBLE). Also, the recipes in the book are GREAT, which I never find to be the case with diets. It's essentially a Mediterranean diet (which means I can eat whole avocados),with a three-week detox-type phase. Just a thought. BTW, you look outstanding in those photos taken when you were with Monica, so there's that...

    The website is ultrametabolism.com

  9. One of the OBs in the practice I go to has a BMI index ON THE WALL OVER THE SCALE. For PREGNANT WOMEN to see, as if it were APPLICABLE. His nurse says in an "Oh DEAR tsk tsk tsk" voice, "Oh, up a pound this week!" I feel like screaming, "I am PREGNANT and SUPPOSED TO GAIN WEIGHT, you IDIOT!!" I mean, I'm not pregnant NOW. But when I WAS.

    Also, when I was 18 and thin, a nurse offered me a pamphlet on weight loss and said I really needed to "watch it." Nice. I was thin, but from then on NEVER THOUGHT SO. Like I needed help with THAT.

    Okay, now I'M going to have two glasses of wine.