So before I get to the part where I tell you that I'm fat and I'm going on Weight Watchers tomorrow, let me just say this: I don't really think I'm fat, and I don't think that Weight Watchers has anything to offer me. I think Weight Watchers has LOTS to offer LOTS of people, but I'm pretty sure I already get it about eating less and exercising more, and I understand about portion sizes, and fruits and veggies. I guess maybe paying to understand those things would make me a bit more mindful of them, so there's a thought.
There are parts of my body that I don't particularly care for; the flabby bits mainly, and the large pieces that don't look quite right since I up and birthed a child two and a half years ago.
The parts of my body I don't like now, aren't really particularly different than they were before I was a mom. Like I said, I don't actually think I'm fat. I think that I weigh more than I should, but unless I'm hanging out with the freakishly pretty girls from my high school, I'm pretty sure that no one's describing me as the fat chick. If you are, you can suck it.
Right now, at the size I am right now? There are things that I like.
The main thing that I like is this: finally, praise be to Jesus, FINALLY my boobs and my butt are sort of proportionately sized. When I'm skinnier, my butt is....well it's big. Which is fine, because it's not saggy big, or flat big, or wide big, or anything, it's just that it's nice to buy all of my clothes in the same size.
There are also somethings that I don't like about my body right now. I would like to be less thigh-y, and it would be nice if my stomach was flatter, even if I have to resign myself to stretch marks running all up and down and over the place. And the main thing seems silly in my intellectual, evolved, thinking brain, but it's true: I don't like telling people how much I weigh. I know that shouldn't be a big deal, or whatever, because it's just a number, or whatever.
But I weigh a lot.
I'm freakishly strong, which I've decided means that I'm disproportionately made up of muscles, which I've heard are sort of heavy. So even when I'm skinny, the number on the scale is still something that someone else of my height and build might be ashamed of. So if I'm feeling bigger-than-I'd-like-to-be? That scale number is WAY HIGHER than anyone might like to admit.
When I go to the doctor? Doctors like to tell me I'm fat. Like even when I'm really, really skinny, as in I'm standing here in my undies and you can count my ribs from across the room skinny? Well how much I weigh when I stand on a scale is just grazing the very top of acceptable Body Mass Index numbers. Note to Medical Professionals: Don't tell healthy looking people with healthy heart beats and healthy bodies that they're fat. Especially when they're still teenagers, and vulnerable, and already suffering from crippling amounts of Self Conscious. Stop looking at your charts. Look at the person sitting in front of you, naked from the waist down. She's a little girl, and she doesn't need you to tell her she's fat. Especially if her pants size is in the single digits.
I'm just saying.
You wonder why I don't like to go to the doctor....
And then right now? When even I think I'm a little chubby? I'm fucked, right? It doesn't matter that I exercise almost every day, and that there are all kinds of things I don't eat, like trans fats and high fructose corn syrup and enriched flour, and DELICIOUSNESS. Because I weigh too much. So like I said, I'm fucked, right?
Because I really would like to set up some goals for myself. Realistic, attainable, after school special, feel-good goals. And I understand about portion control and EAT LESS, EXERCISE MORE, I guess I just need to DO it.
Currently, I exercise fairly regularly, at least 4 times a week, sometimes more. I basically exercise for the freedom to eat whatever I want without gaining weight. And you should know, I really like eating.
So I need a regime change.
And it occurs to me:
Maybe you should also know, I had two glasses of wine when I went home for lunch today. It's making me feel sort of. Um. Uninhibited? And rambly. And incapable of constructing proper sentences. So there's that...