02 July 2008

A bit of a reminisce for you

When I was 19, I lived in Isla Vista, in an apartment that used to be a frat house, up until said frat house got kicked off campus for raping someone or something (I'm not clear on the details, but I remember that it was full of bad). The main appeal of this apartment was its comparatively low rent ($1600/month for two bedrooms, but believe me, this fell at the bottom of the rent price range in the area at the time). The other appealing factor was that it took approximately 17 seconds to walk from Delta Tau Delta to campus, thus greatly increasing the amount of time I spent asleep. Many, many interesting things happened while I lived there, which oft involved excessive alcohol consumption and frolicking in the streets. So without further ado I'm going to tell you a story.

Do you see the pool in that map? I'm providing the map as a visual, for future reference. I find that visuals help.
Anywhoodle. When I was 19, I found swimming in that pool in the middle of the night, naked, while intoxicated, to be an incredibly satisfying activity. So one Thursday night/Friday morning, at around 4:30 am, I got it into my head that we needed to go swimming. Right then. My friend Ben was the only person who wanted to come, which was fine with me. His heart-stoppingly INSANE (We're talking literally knife-wielding insane, not just regular throw rocks at your car insane) girlfriend wanted to come too, since, yknow, at the time he couldn't really spend time alone with anyone in possession of a vagina unless he later wanted to be thrown from a roof (which might have happened, if I remember correctly). But she was sober and willing to drive, and the 7 minute drive sounded WAY more appealing than the 4 minute walk, so along came Crazy. And there we were, swimming, drunk, and naked, in a long-closed campus facility that was only open to athletes when it was open. Which is about when campus security decided to show up.
I believe that UCSB has police officers on campus, but campus security is comprised of underpaid, ill-prepared students. These particular students were driving what I like to call a child molester van. Referring to the map above, we first saw them driving parallel to the north side of the pool. We all grabbed our clothes, and pulled them on as we ran. I climbed the fence on the south-west corner of the pool. I turned around to see Ben (running with his boxers on and trying to pull up his pants) fall and skid on his FACE AND BELLY for several feet. But from thereafter I pretty much lost contact with Ben and CrazyFace; we wouldn't meet up again until much later. I turn away and wince at Ben's certain road rash, and the next thing I know, The Van is facing me, student security is shining a flashlight on me, and I'm backed against the fence. Asks the security guard: "What were you doing in the pool?"
Then, from out of the bushes comes a lesbian (she never actually identified herself as such, but the Docs, the chain wallet, the buzz cut, the unisex clothing, you can draw your own conclusions). She walks to where I'm standing, frozen like a deer in headlights, and takes my hand. She then tells security guard, "She wasn't swimming. She was with me."
"Um. Why is she wet?"
"I was walking her back to the dorms and we got caught in the sprinklers."
"Um. Okay."
Mystery-Girl LEAVES.
I am left standing by the pool, dripping wet, with my bra and panties in one hand.
The end.


  1. Holy crap. That was the greatest story ever.

  2. Hilarious...
    I am only sorry that for some reason I cannot see the map!

    Also, is there a follow up story where we find out what happened to the friend and crazy girlfriend?

    And... did you ever find out who your guardian lesbian was??

  3. Lol. Your guardian angel wears a chain wallet. That story really was dopesauce.

  4. So glad you're back on your A-Game this week. Apparently I drank the stupid sauce you had last week (refer to my most recent post). Thanks for passing it along ;-)

    Oh Isla Vista .... the memories I had. Wait, I don't remember a DAMN thing of my time in Isla Vista cause all the parties were 40oz. parties and I weighed a buck in college. Oh the days ...

  5. LOVE this story and I also love when someone is telling a story and are all AND GUESS WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?!? and Im all A RANDOM LESBIAN SAVED YOU?!? Most people just think im weird, or have mild turrettes.

  6. oh my Lord. that story rules.
    you sort of should be with that lesbian. how could you not fall in love with her after that?