30 January 2008

Like puzzles?

Checking account balance: $141
Rent (due Feb. 1st): $700
Childcare (due Feb. 1st): $200
Car Payment (due Feb. 10th): $300
Student Loan Payment (due Feb. 10th): $150

Next Paycheck: Feb. 6th. Amount? $950

Dear Mr. R-,

Please support your son.

Yours truly,


Why don't I just slit my wrists now and call it a day?


It’s been brought to my attention by both H------- and G-- that people here at the CA campus are relaying to the staff at the ID campus concerns that I am not at work for the hours that I should be.

  1. I am not leaving early unless it is specifically scheduled and covered by my PTO. I did leave early due to a migraine last week. This was also covered by PTO.
  2. If you are concerned about the amount of time I am spending at work, I would prefer that you bring these concerns to me, so that I have the chance to respond to them.
  3. While I can assure you that I am spending 8 hours a day in this office, if you would like, I am more than happy to either send you an email or call you on your cell phone when I arrive in the morning, when I leave for lunch, when I return from lunch, and when I leave for the day, if this will allay any worries you may have about the amount of time I am spending here. Please respond thusly if you would like me to start doing this for you, as it is absolutely no problem on my end.
  4. Please be aware that I mark any time that I will be taking off on the corporate calendar in Outlook, and not on the calendar in the instructors’ room. If you are concerned that I am absent, this would be a good first place to check.
  5. Finally, please be aware that, due to the large size of this building and the small size of the staff, I may not always be at my desk when I am here. Do not assume that because I am not at my desk I am not at work.

Thank you,


29 January 2008

Moments with Gabriel

"I wanna wear my skirt"

"I don't know where it is honey."

"But I wanna wear it!"

"Well where did you have it last?"

"I'm not a girl, I just wanna wear my skirt!"

(Note--this is reference to the kilt that Emma sent him)


The other day, I was reading, and Gabriel was playing with his cars. I turned to watch him as he picked up each car, held it up to his face and said "You bad. You go on time outs!" Then he put the cars in his backpack and zipped it up. He took his backpack to his room, turned off the light, closed the door, and came out to play with his trains. At this point perhaps a normal parent would have inquired as to WHY his cars were misbehaving, or would have investigated further. But I'm tired, and I just went back to reading my book, like, oh that was a TOTALLY normal thing to do and DEFINITELY NOT REFLECTIVE OF MY PARENTING. About 20 minutes later, Gabe got up, got his backpack out, took out each car, held it right up close to his face, said "I love you car," kissed it, and put it down. I can't wait to see what happens when he starts drawing pictures of his family...


"Gabe do you have to use the potty?"


"Are you sure?"


"Do you need to pee pee or poo poo?"

"I need to....um.....eat chocolate?"

28 January 2008

Stalking Me?

Let me make it easier:
  • Tonight I'm going to dinner at Jayme's house.
  • Tomorrow Gabe has his 2 year checkup, where they can tell me that he's gained .02 lbs in the last 6 months, and officially dropped off the low end of the growth chart.
  • This Saturday is Angelica's birthday, I am planning an outing, although babysitting options remain to be seen. I would prefer to go somewhere NOT La Salles, because although it's very VERY classy, I've been there the last 3 times I went out, and I'm over it for awhile. I can only take college girls in hooker boots so many weekends in a row.
  • Sometime this weekend I need to take Gabe to get pictures taken for his 2nd birthday. He was supposed to go with his dad yesterday, and, well, didn't. This wouldn't be such a big deal except that K told me that he bought Gabe's school pictures, and I've never seen them so I don't think he did, and he borrowed the last set of pics (on his 18-month birthday) I had taken to scan them, and I've yet to get them back. He'll be wearing his "Mexican Sweater" (I'm not quite ready to talk about this atrocity on the internet, but email me privately and I'll tell you why I'm VERY disappointed in a friend of mine. Or wait about a millisecond for me to post it here, because I'm not very good at keeping things to myself).
  • Next Thursday and Friday (Feb 6th and 7th) I shall be in sunny (hopefully?) Idaho, for work. Wednesday night I have to drive Gabe down to my parents' house, and then back UP to Sacramento to fly out, which should be joyful, at best. I'm hoping to track down my cousin Shannon for couch-sleeping purposes, or maybe Dunky-pies. Or someone in Sacramento at any rate.
  • My mom's bringing me Gabeys on Saturday on her way to take the boys snowboarding, and I think I'll hitch along since I haven't been boarding, in, oh I dunno, FOREVER??? And my mom said she's watch Gabe for a day if I came up. So I WILL!! Need to get my board waxed, locate all of my various snowboarding supplies, etc. etc.
  • No Valentine's Day plans, but I haven't ever once HAD Valentine's Day plans, unless it involved drinking box wine with my girlfriends. In fact, does anyone want to get together and drink pink box wine? It's a VERY classy thing to do. Molly do you remember when I got blizzarded into my NY visit and we drank TWO boxes of wine? With sippy cups? And I missed every single one of my midterms? I miss you Molly.
  • I have President's Day (February 18th) off. No plans for that weekend though. Present me with some options, and I'll take them into consideration.
  • I'm also taking Friday February 22nd off, making that a 3-day work-week, which can't be beat. I'm GOING TO PHILADELPHIA!!! To see MOLLY!!! I'm very, VERY excited about this. I'm going for Molly's bachelorette, etc. party/weekend events. I haven't seen Mol in far. too. long. Probably this will be a busy and event filled weekend without the quality Jenny/Molly time that I know and love, but hell, she's getting married. So I'm okay with that. I have a dream that someday, somehow, we will get to hang out for realsies. And I'm very patient.
  • On the weekend of March 7-9th, Julia Jane Godley is gracing Chico with her presence. I predict that she packs at least four pairs of shoes, and buys two more while she's here. My goals include: not losing my wallet/id, refraining from making out with boys just because I'm bored, and taking copious amounts of photos.
  • This year Easter is the same as Jonathan and Camille's birthdays (March 23rd), so I will surely be at my parents' house. Jonathan I'm assuming will be 51, but maybe only 50? Miss Camille Torres will be one exactly. I assume Rebecca will be hosting. In the past when she's had Easter parties they've turned into giant affairs filled with little Hispanic girls wearing uncomfortable dresses, four different jell-o desserts, and tantrums thrown by all. Maybe if it's also a birthday party it will be a bit different. By the way, that's the next time I really see myself getting there. So take note, make reservations, etc. etc.
I could go on for a couple more months, because, oh wait, I'm neurotic and already know what I'm doing in 2009 practically, but I'll spare you.

Some trips I would like to plan (feel free to help and facilitate):
  1. I would like to get to SF and see all my bay area buddies sans Gabriel.
  2. I would like to visit with Lexy (this could be incorporated into the above).
  3. L.A., Julia.
  4. Portland, Sara(h) (I'm thinking I'd like to go to the Rose Parade, but if going then makes it ungodly expensive, then maybe not).
  5. Camping.
  6. SNOWBOARDING. How I miss, how I love. My aunt lives in South Lake Tahoe, and I can stay there, if anyone would care to join me. For this one it's babysitting that's the issue.

Week. Ending.

Friday night I watched Gabey and Leo at Stella's house. Leo was really good and Gabriel was really bad, but the night went fine with nothing too much to report.

Saturday my mom came up, collecting Duncan on her way. We went to the park and played with Gabe, and went for a walk, and went to Big Al's for lunch, and then they were on their way again. I dropped Gabriel off with Stella at around 7ish. Hung out at my house Saturday night. Probably drank too much.

Woke up Sunday morning with a couple new bruises and a headache, but I think that's a fair price to pay. Got Gabey, had to work for Darci, K was supposed to take Gabes, didn't, didn't show up. Was supposed to give me $$ on Friday, didn't, then didn't give me $$ Saturday or Sunday either. Apparently did not get Gabe a birthday present. Wanted to know why I hadn't gone grocery shopping, I explained that food costs money. Fucker.

Overall, good weekend, even if I DO have a hand print on my butt.

27 January 2008

I'm not always the greatest mom

I didn't take a single picture on Gabe's 2nd birthday, so that wasn't very good of me.

My mom and Duncan came up, my mom got Gabe a bag of marbles, which he LOVED. We had a brief spell of lovely amidst the storms, so we went to the park. It was a very nice day.

Today K was sposed to take Gabey to get birthday pics taken, but he never showed up, so I'll try to do it sometime this week I suppose.

25 January 2008

A serious case of the Bad News Bears

I'm watching Gabey and Leo tonight so Stella can get her groove back.

Problem: They changed the channel away from their DVD and lost the remote. So now I have two two-year-olds at bedtime with no wind down movie.

23 January 2008

Thank goodness for sick days

I was at work, getting an awful headache, perhaps from my all of the nonsense with which people kept trying to fill up my head, and then I remembered! I have benefits! If I'm not feeling well, I can take a personal day! Hurrah! So I did. And I cleaned out my bathtub. And now I'm baking cookies. And I'll pick up Gabe as soon as he wakes up from nap, and we can have the afternoon together. If the rain holds off, I'll take him to the park.

And I got home to a package from Miss Daphne. I love Daphne. Every time I start to feel like it would be a really good time to teach myself how to do a frontal lobotomy, Daph sends me the EXACTLY right CD. And I can't quite figure out how she knows which one to send. I mean, they're off of my Amazon wish list, but how does she know the EXACT one that I need to hear?

Plus she sent me a very coveted (by me, maybe not by anyone else) book on knitting adorable bags. Have I mentioned that I'm somebody's grandmother trapped in the body of a 25 year old? Well I'm excited about it, all the same.

21 January 2008

January is pretty serious.

Saturday was Emma's birthday. She's in Australia, and I hope she had an ecstatic day. Or at least an orgasmic day. Or something.
Today is Daniel's eleventh birthday. He's getting pretty close to taller than me, since I'm the family midget.
Wednesday is my parents' 30th anniversary. Aw.
Wednesday is also K's birthday, but that has faded significantly in importance to me.
Friday is my cousin Caleb's birthday. He will be five.
Friday is also Anami's birthday. She will be two.
Saturday is Gabey's birthday. He will be two.
Saturday is also Hector's (Becca's pseudo-husband) birthday. Less important than Gabe.
In the first half of the month we had birthdays of Harly (RIP), Berry, Jen, Julie.

Gabers went to school in big kid underpants, after a very successful no-diapers weekend. I am curious to see how he does at daycare. He tends to freak out with change, I don't know if you've noticed.

Newest Goal

Increase job satisfaction, be it by changing jobs, changing my hours, or both.

Personal Deadline: March 17, 2008.

20 January 2008

Singing for my supper

I'm on toddler duty tonight; it's the price I paid for a fun weekend.
Friday I didn't get enough sleep, which was exactly what I needed.

Saturday MONICA came and visited. I met her boyfriend, he seems very sweet and I really liked him. Considering Monica's record on the dating end of things, this was amazing. AND this was the first time since SB that we've hung out and she hasn't needed to go to the emergency room, so maybe this new healthy relationship is paying off by giving her a healthier body too. We ate at Woodstock's, which is something that I only do when my Santa Barbara friends visit, because Chico doesn't have Freebirds.

Saturday night I went out with Miss Darci and Miss Stella. I really wasn't very drunk, but I was feeling quite ridiculous anyhow. My friends have a public image to uphold, so I'm afraid the details are somewhat classified. You can ask if you're curious though.

Since Saturday night I did what I said I wouldn't do and let K watch Gabe at my house, I spent the night in Kyra's bed. Normally when K watches Gabey I try to get back to my house fairly early--by nine at least. But he was a total arse about it the night before about what time I was coming back. And then he called me this morning and I said that if he wanted to come pick me up he could but otherwise I needed to wait for someone to wake up and give me a ride. And he said he didn't have his carseat. Who takes their carseat out of their car before they go to CARE FOR THEIR CHILD?? What if there had been an emergency? Was he planning on taking a cab? So I wasn't in much of a hurry to get back, and I slept in (which was heaven) and had coffee, and bummed around.

Today I've been pretty worthless. I forgot to feed Sheena's dogs yesterday, so I had to go do it today. They were happy to see me. I took Gabe's nap with him, and now I have two two-year-olds snuggled into a blanket nest in the Stella's living room, watching Finding Nemo. I'm planning on crashing as soon as they do, because I'm pretty wrecked from double nights of squandering my sleeping hours on other activities.

18 January 2008

And also, Gabe's birthday

Mr. Gabriel will be turning 2 on Saturday, January 26th. Personally, I lack the motivation, the inclination, and the funds to throw a birthday party.
Angelica wants me to throw a joint party with her, but I think mainly because Anami's birthday's Friday and she wants to celebrate on Saturday.
Stella and Darci think I should go to Chuck E. Cheese, where a kid can be a kid. Personally (SomebodyAnybody please back me up on this) I think Chuck E. Cheese is TERRIFYING. There are these creepy animatronic creatures moving disjointedly to off-key music, and there's this horrifying rat-person-creature-man wandering the premises trying to touch your children. I'd rather not.

But I understand that kids have fun there, and whatever. I can't plan for outdoor activities because of rain possibilities.
My mom's coming to visit. I'm pretty confident that she wouldn't like Chuck E. Cheese either.
I was thinking about just not having a party at all.
The only firm commitment I've made is that I'm going to make a batch of cookies for Gabriel. Because Gabriel likes cookies more than cake.
I don't know WHAT his father will be doing. I am pretty sure that I'm somewhat confident that there's a possibility of a chance that he might want to see his kid.

Weekend Trouble

This weekend hopes to be an adventure.
I'm doing the unprecedented, and outsourcing Gabe for two(!) nights in a row. He'll be well asleep before I leave tonight, and with his dad tomorrow, so I feel not guilty at all.
Tonight I'm going down to Sacramento, in fulfillment of New Year's resolutions. First I have to spend some time with my child and do my ever-increasing pile of laundry. It turns out you make more friends when you smell nice.
Tomorrow Monastica is coming to visit me during the day. I predict the eating of food and the playing of games and the telling of stories and the reminiscing on old times. And then tomorrow night I'm going out with Ms. Darci, whose lovely daughter is out of town for the weekend, and is in dire need of distractions. And I'm always a distraction.
This is going to be another weekend of no photo identification. Luckily Darc is married to a lovely man who also happens to be a bartender at one of my favorite slums.

As repayment for tonight's festivities I'm double toddler duty Sunday night. I'm presuming I'll survive.

17 January 2008

Moral (un)Ambiguity

I have a friend Sara(h) who I like quite a lot. We've shared practically all of the same classes since we crash landed into UCSB (and I do mean shared), and she's good to shop with, and she drinks real coffee, and she's incredibly hot. I was very inspired by her New Year's Resolutions. These were they:
1. Make morally unambiguous choices.
2. Have more sex.
These are fantastic.

1. I would very much like to look at my actions and think "Is this morally ambiguous?" And if the answer is yes, just NOT do it. Unfortunately, this doesn't always happen. Here we get into the wishy washy nature of the wrong doing. I'm not sure if this is what she meant, but what I especially like is that Sara(h) has not expressly forbidden herself from making morally CORRUPT choices. Because as long as you know what you're getting into, get into it. It's the shades of grey that she's so helpfully eliminated.

2. I too, would like to have more sex. I've noticed that I'm a far more pleasant person when I have a good reason not to sleep. And I would like to do it in a morally unambiguous way. Which means that it either has to be totally wrong, or totally right. And when it's totally wrong, it tends to be a LOT more fun. And when it's totally right, well wouldn't that just be ideal?
So I am adding these to mine. I think that 2008 shall be CLEAR. But I'm giving credit where credit's due.

16 January 2008


JULIA is coming to visit at the beginning of March. Let's review the Jenny/Jules 2007:

Cinco de Mayo: Jules comes and visits. I have broken up with K, but don't move out till the 10th. Awkward. We paint the town red. The details are not specific. Julia was still dating lame boyfriend exhibit A, but I think she was pretty jealous about the fact that I was no longer dating lame boyfriend exhibit B.

Julia's Birthday (end of July): I drive down to LA, leaving the babe in Chico. K has not yet been evicted, so this is okay. I am just a week past having major oral surgery, so I have double black eyes and can't eat. I spend a LOT of money at Sephora to make the black eyes go away, and I CAN drink, so I make the most of things by making out with a boy who decides that he's in love with me and also a crazy stalker, Julia has broken up with lame boyfriend exhibit A, makes out with the bartender, which I think significantly increases our level of drunkenness. The next night we do karaoke, and realize that if you're with lame people, karaoke's really not all that fun. RIDICULOUS.

Jenny's birthday (beginning of September): Jules flies up here. We kick off Friday night by Julia drinking straight tequila and licking honey (?). Saturday I buy silver shoes and my now infamous please-wear-a-different-shirt silver tube top. There is much ridiculousness and tomfoolery, I make out with a 19-year-old, lose a shoe, don't sleep ALL NIGHT, Stella films a porn, Julia sleeps in a toddler bed.

USC Homecoming Weekend (beginning of November): I fly to LA. Friday night we go to Busby's, which is actually a really lame club, but we're so awesome that we always have fun wherever we go. Saturday we are so VERY VERY hungover, we sleep on the grass in the middle of a street, we have our pictures taken, we gather ourselves, go out, and ENTER JACOB. He who shall not be named. Once I make a decision never to look at him again, my life gets better. I get bought drinks by many many strangers. A couple propositions me for a threesome.

Weekend before New Years: We are both in Santa Cruz. We go out with my sibs and in-laws. Drink too much. C- starts a fight with Hell's Angels. In a Hell's Angels bar. We didn't die.

March 7th: Julia comes again. Thus begins our 2008 adventures. Who knows what lies ahead?

Ordering Disasterous

So something nice about having everything simultaneously blow up in my face is that it really gives me a nice place to start over. I'm looking pretty seriously at moving back to Santa Cruz, although it is UNGODLY expensive. There's really nothing keeping me here though, I could just float on happy as can be.

I feel like a jelly fish.

It's quite liberating.

15 January 2008

Utterly Distractable

I was so caught up with curiosity and speculation about what I'm putting on the books as The Lamest Breakup in History that I totally forgot to share this little gem:
I went out on Saturday night. As you may have learned, I lost my wallet. I don't have a driver's license. Well I have a passport. Except that I recently learned that I don't. I think it's somehow in amongst K's things, cuz I haven't seen it since I moved out. So I went out on Saturday with my expired passport (featuring a picture of me when I'm 2 years old), a xerox of my current passport (which p.s. looks nothing like me) and an expired student ID from when I went to UCSB. And I got into MULTIPLE bars.
As soon as I remember, I will scan and upload these absurd documents, because it's just one more night when the world was ridiculous. It sort of reminds me of the time that I was in downtown Santa Barbara and I called 9-1-1 to get home. And the police, rather than arresting me, made a taxi drive me home for free.
Just like everyone with whom I've spoken about this, I'm WILDLY curious about what actually happened with me and boy, because, yknow, since I never got a phone call or anything, I'll never actually know. And that leaves way too much room for speculation. I can come up with about a thousand reasons to break up with me (no one ever said I was perfect). I can't, however, come up with a single scenario where doing it through "a social networking site" would be even remotely acceptable. As Molly so aptly put it, even if I was sleeping with his brother and I'd killed his cat, that would still warrant a phone call. And this is coming from a girl who once broke up with her boyfriend in an email (sorry Prav, but I was only 18, and I'm lame).

I just found out that Monononononica is coming to visit me on Saturday! And I get to meet her new boy. She's promised good things, so I'm putting all of my reservations on hold, even though the last boys of hers were distinctively and utterly lame. Plus she hasn't seen Gabey in forever, and he's adorable. And I haven't seen her forever, and aren't I adorable?

Well....aren't I?

14 January 2008

For everyone who can't believe it


And I too, lack the words to express my disbelief.

And when I asked a 16-year-old if that would EVER be a normal thing to do, she said, "Maybe in middle school, but even then it would be childish."

The good news is, if this had happened in some normal way, I might have got my feelings hurt. As it is, it's so ridiculous that I can't even come up with something stronger than amused disgust. So that's a bonus, I guess.

13 January 2008

Exactly why I don't let my guard down

So I was seeing this boy who by all accounts was sweet and attentive and worthwhile. And being around him was easy. And it didn't stress me out. And I didn't worry about where I was supposed to be when I was with him, because being with him was easy. Which was shockingly new. And I liked him quite a bit. Which was new for me, because I don't generally like boys. I approach them with boredom and disdain.

But, from what I can deduce, I think he decided to stop seeing me by deleting me as a friend on myspace.
Which. Wow. You're 28 years old. I can't even come up with the words for that...

And my judgment in men officially sucks.

12 January 2008

All I can do is my best

So I was figuring out my budget this week, and with K being a complete winner and giving me no money at all, I make about $200 less than I absolutely am required to spend each month, never mind any extra expenses that may come up. So that was cheery. Unfortunately, there's not really any area that I can cut spending. Food and gas are the only two bills that aren't directly due to somebody each month, and I'm pretty sure that I need to feed my kid and drive to work. Last time I checked anyways.

It sort of sucks how I don't have a child support case against him because I can't even get him served. I don't know where he lives, or where (if?) he works, and he's too much of a flake for me to even know when he's coming over to my house. It'd be sort of nice, since Gabriel spends every. single. night. at my house, if I got some means of support from his father, that would just be really, really great.

11 January 2008

And a little P.S. about my new hours

This week, I have not received a SINGLE phone call after 4pm, let alone after 4:30. However, I have come back every day from my hour lunch to at least one voice mail that I must return because I missed the call. So if covering your phones is priority numero uno, maybe you should think about the hours that people call. Jerk.

Wanted: A one way ticket to somewhere else

So I was at work yesterday, until 5. I was the last person in the building. I locked the building. No one was here. I left my desk a bit of a mess because, well, I was scattered, and we don't have students Fridays, so I figured that I had Friday morning to come in and tidy up.
I came in this morning (at 745, by the way) to a note on my monitor that reads "Jennifer, customers see you first. Please keep this area clean."

Oh. Wow. So my dickheaded boss who ALREADY must burn in hell for taking a precious, precious hour away from my son and I for the sake of nothing at all came in AFTER HOURS yesterday to rifle through my things and critique me. Never mind that I left last, and got here first. No no. Never mind that at all.

So, not surprisingly, I spent this morning crying. Again.

And here's the thing. I don't WANT to hate my job. I want to love my job. I want to enjoy being here. And, largely, I do. Yes, I'm the office bitch, but most of the people (all but one) with whom I work are kind and respectful and above board and understanding about most things most of the time. Because they are reasonable human beings. And here I am; I feel like I've been backed into a corner. Do you WANT me to quit? Because I am VERY capable of getting a new job. And of quitting. If that's what you want. But if by chance you just lack human compassion and don't understand how to interact with others, maybe try to figure it out?


10 January 2008

It does sort of take the pain away....

I saw Julesy when I was visiting my parents over New Year's weekend, and she gave me prezzies! Yay! And a shirt that I left in LA that I accused my sister of stealing about 14 different times. She didn't, it turns out, but I still think she stole the black one which has disapperated. Anyhow. Then we had our biker bar adventure night, and, not surprisingly, I forgot all about my gifties and left them in her car.
But this was actually good. Because yesterday I got mail! And it wasn't all bills! Because I got a package! From Julia! Care of her mommy!
And I got my prezzies, which were soap* that J-Dog made all by herself (and she has to teach me how please), and good smelling lotion potion, and a CD! I don't know if I've made this appropriately clear or not (I hope I have), but I. Love. Getting mix CDs from my friends. It makes me unreasonably happy with the world at large. And since this CD was A Lil Love To Take The Pain Away, a compilation of feely goody love songs, largely from musicals that are loved by me, it was precisely what I needed to listen to this morning. So I'm glad I left my present there, because then I got to listen to my new CD for the first time when I was reaching a new level of misery. And that was nice.
Julesy also did quite well (and who's surprised really, since she has EIGHT nieces and nephews) with Gabey's present, with which he is obsessed. Both gifties. Good job on combining his love of tiny things with his love of things that go in his backpack with his love of cars, animals and puzzles.

*not soap making like the terrifying chemical process for which you need a lab and have to expose yourself to noxious fumes, the soap making (I assume) like with the molds and the soap making kit.

09 January 2008

Day Three

I'll allow that there have been a lot of other things going on in my life. And I will allow that losing my wallet has put a significant strain on me. As has losing all after-hours childcare (in the form of K.dot). As has losing my phone (which I got my replacement today by the way, so that was something).

But I had a limit.

And I've reached it.

And I've gone careening past it.

And I spent my lunch hour sitting in my car, crying. So I guess that's something for which I can use a whole hour lunch in Oroville. I can sit in my car in the rain with nowhere to go and no money to buy lunch, and I can think about how I won't get home with Gabriel until after six o'clock, and I can cry.


08 January 2008

Eating my way towards sanity

I'm glum, and at some point, everybody's glum, so I've learned that there are some things that just make me feel better. Some of them are healthy, some, much less so. When my life has descended into gloom, I turn to them to assuage the hurt. These are they:
  1. Exercise
  2. Sex
  3. Impossibly long, impossibly hot showers and/or baths
  4. Food
  5. Alcohol
  6. Sleep
I can't go to the gym anymore because K can't watch Gabe while I go to the gym anymore, and I can't put him in daycare for even LONGER periods of time just so I can sweat a little bit. He needs his mom, I need him. Even though he's not on the list, he is actually one of the things that makes me feel better. And the weather sucks, so I can't get outside with him to be active right now.
My life just isn't set up for regular and emotionally healthy sex right now. Sporadic at best. I'm more or less okay with that, I'm just saying that it's not particularly an option for making me feel like my head's not about to fall off.
The thing about showers/baths is that when your two-year-old routinely insists on getting in the shower WITH you, they are much, much less relaxing.
Food. Delicious food. Instead of going to the gym or having some "adult" time or maintaining a basic level of hygiene I have been pleasuring myself with food. Mainly guilt food (pizza, chocolate, ice cream, peanut butter).
Alcohol. While drinking does numb and fuzz things a bit, and even at home alone, that can be a relief, I'm a social creature, and drinking alone makes me more lonely, so I generally don't. And remember that bit about the babysitting and the Jenny's all alone in the world with no one on whom she can lean? Yeah, so, not so much.

So, if you can't yet tell, all of this descends into the fact that right now I'm eating myself a second (third?) chin, going to bed at 8 every night and barely dragging myself out again in the mornings. And on the weekends? Well that's what naps are for.

In case I haven't made myself clear, I am right now full of melancholy and tears and dissatisfaction and peanut butter filled pretzels dipped in chocolate.

Luckily, I'm an optimist. I figure things HAVE to get better eventually.

When I tell you I don't want to work until 5, believe me, I don't want to work until 5.

Job satisfaction, on average, up to Friday, January 4th: 80%
I like my job. I like the people I work with, I like the work I do, I feel I am fairly compensated, benefits are good. I don't like commuting, but I figure I can't have everything.
Job satisfaction, on average, starting Monday, January 7th: 10%
Oh wow. I think I hate my job. I was hired to work 8-4:30. The several times that my superiors have approached me about extending my hours until 5 I have made very clearly known my distaste. I've gone so far as to say, "I never would have accepted a position in Oroville with 8-5 hours. I was hired to work until 4:30." I've also said, "My number one priority in my whole life is my son, and if I have to work until 5, that's going to put him in daycare for almost 11 hours a day, and that is fundamentally unacceptable to me." And yet, despite what I feel are clear and loud protestations on my part, effective January 7th, my job is 8-5 with an hour for lunch. I do not need an hour in Oroville to have my lunch. Not only that, I already have an enormous amount of guilt and angst and unhappiness about how little time I spend with my son. Dumping an hour and a half onto the amount of time he's spending with strangers is. not. okay. So great. I now officially hate my job. My job that I liked. My job that I found to be, on some level at least, intellectually stimulating. My job where I thought the company cared about its employees. Obviously, the company does not care about its employees. If the company cared even a little tiny bit, then when I was standing there with tears in my eyes telling them that I really, truly, could not work until 5, because that was unacceptable, they may have listened. They are officially fuckers.
So. I moved to Chico. I stayed in Chico so that K and Gabriel could have a chance at a solid relationship. K has spent the last nine months or so SUCKING AT LIFE, culminating with the fact that HE moved out of the area. But, I think to myself, at least I like my job, so I'll stay here for now anyways, because it's hard to find a job that you like.

Well. Fuck that.

03 January 2008

Photos from last Saturday, with captions

Her name is Taina, she has wild eyes:
I was operating an arm wrestling shark business, because I'm freakishly strong. Actually C- won, but I did beat out Mike and James:

But how can I get us kicked out of this Hell's Angels bar? Oh I know, when this guy asks me if I know what red and white means, I'll ask "Do you know what Monguls means?":

Shit, we got kicked out, good thing I brought my beer with me. Because Ocean Street NEVER has cops on it:

We've only been drinking for 5 and a half hours, how about some shots?:

What Molly diagnosed


Who can say? I AM sort of crazy.

01 January 2008

My weekend, presented as a bulleted list

  • Sheena watched Gabe in the morning for me, essentially because she loves me and is a fantastic friend.
  • Picked Gabe up and brought him to work with me in the afternoon, where he adorably napped under my desk, and was generally well behaved.
  • Drove to my parents' house, arriving at around 8pm. Received many prezzies, including a Kitchenaid Mixer (!), books, etc.
  • Took Gabe swimming at Simpkins with Laura, Simon, Daniel, James, Mom (forgot bathing suit and had to borrow bikini from Laura; lack bikini belly)
  • Went to lunch at Ming's (cockroach infested bad greasy spoon Chinese food) with my whole immediate family (less Duncan), Grandma Anne, Irv, Aunt Cathy, Aunt Randy, Randy's husband Wayne.
  • Was molested by Irv (face grab, kiss dead on lips, horror, hell).
  • Was (along with Laura) conned into lunch on Monday with Irv.
  • Invited Duncan and Kate to lunch with Irv in an attempt to cut down on the molestation by Irv.
  • Threatened to call in sick on Monday and leave Laura stranded.
  • Received prezzies from Julia.
  • Went out with Julia, C-, Duncan, Kate, Laura, Mike.
  • Drank. Too much.
  • Very nearly had bar fight with Hell's Angels over pool table/unwise comments made by C-.
  • Got kicked out of favorite dive bar/Hell's Angels bar
  • Went to another bar very close to closing time.
  • Got kicked out of bar #2 (second favorite dive bar).
  • Left prezzies in Jules' car.
  • Woke up with cold.
  • Nursed hangover.
  • Napped.
  • Pick James up from La Selva.
  • Went to bed early.
  • Lunch with Irv.
  • Molested by Irv. (Neck nuzzle hug that lasts for full 60 seconds. At least.)
  • Prepare for party.
  • Have party.
  • Eat.
  • Go to bed at 10:30, making myself officially the lamest 25-year-old on the planet.
  • Eat.
  • Play with Gabe.
  • Gabriel pukes on me, my hair, himself, floor.
  • Gabriel seems recovered.
  • Load carpet cleaner into car.
  • Drive away, leaving the sweet boy with his Grandparents.
  • Stop in Sacramento, only briefly.
  • Drive on to Chico.

A year behind the year ahead

Here I am on the first day of a new year, which is really the same as any other day, but it IS a convenient time to reflect. 2007 sucked. A lot. I had to deal with a lot of really difficult things, a lot of strife, a lot of struggle, a lot of stress, a lot of mistakes. And yet, on January 1, 2008, I am far, far better off than I was on January 1, 2007. And I think that's a good goal. One year from now, I want to be better off than I am today. Of course I have specific goals as well. These are they:
  • Either live closer to work or work closer to home.
  • Spend less time worrying about Gabriel and more time enjoying him.
  • Work out a schedule and routine that allows for time at the gym and time with friends without taking time away from Gabey.
  • Pay off credit card.
  • Keep house tidy (tidier?).
  • Cook real dinner during the week.
  • Enjoy.