30 October 2007

My apologies

I never wrote anything on here about Friday. Thursday, as you may have gathered, I went out. Well FRIDAY was the day of the first ever graduation that I've put together at my new job. And I was....still VERY much intoxicated. Most of the day is fuzzy. I know that I puked when I arrived at work, immediately before coming on stage, and then again immediately afterwards. And I haven't puked from drinking in like 5 years, it's an extremely rare event.

But I don't think anyone noticed, at least, I hope no one did. I felt like I held myself together pretty well, was wearing enough makeup that you couldn't see the bags under my eyes, although afterwards when I went to Stella's she told me I smelled like a bar. So hopefully the alcohol/cigarettes/vomit smell wasn't too overpowering while I was hosting this event.

I didn't feel better until after the graduation when I had a glass of wine, which was heaven.

Anyhow, I think it went okay, but it's definitely going on my list of Bad Choices to Make at a New Job.

29 October 2007

Thursday was...ADVENTUROUS.



Saturday I went down to Davis to visit my brother, and my mom brought Laura, James, Daniel, Simon and Elliot, so it was our whole family except for my dad, but he doesn't leave his house anyways. We went to the corn maze in Dixon, and to a pumpkin carving party in Woodland.
Duncan tie-dyed a shirt with pomegranate juice, and made a strawberry pie. I went to IKEA. All in all, pretty satisfying weekend.

23 October 2007

Gabriel wearing my belts

Quarter Life Crisis

So yesterday I was going to write about my weekend, cuz, y'know, that's what I do on Mondays. Write about my weekend. Except for yesterday when I was thinking about what I would say about what I did and what I saw and whatever pithy remarks I may have about this and about that, I realized something.

I AM THE MOST BORING HUMAN ON THE PLANET

Seriously. What did you last weekend? Well, I scrubbed out my stove, and I cleaned under the
refrigerator, and I mended a throw pillow. Oh, oh, and I bleached Gabriel's bath toys. That was PROBABLY the highlight, if I'm really honest with myself, bleaching the bath toys. GOD. How did I become this person? This insane, bath toy bleaching person?

Does anyone remember the time that I went skinny dipping in the UCSB pool, and got caught by the cops, and then rescued from the cops by lesbians in the bushes?

Or the time that I was so drunk that I called 9-1-1 to get home? Because it was the only phone number that I could remember?

Or when I went to the running of the bulls in Pamplona?

Or going to Chumash?

Or when I stole that guy's bike?

Or when Molly and I went to the Jury Room at noon the day after Christmas, cuz, gee, THAT'S a good time to go the biggest dive in Santa Cruz?

Or shopping cart races?

Or Vegas when I think I slept in a closet? Or maybe the bathtub? If I slept, because it was my birthday and I'm really not sure?

Or going to the strip club AKA whore house in Mexico?

Or when Ben's resident peed in my closet?

Or when we danced in our chonies on the counters at The Alternative?

I'm only 25, but oh, I feel old.

22 October 2007

If you care about me at all

Dear Red,

Listen, because I need to talk to you.  I feel like up to now I've been very patient and understanding. I've lived with you for almost the entirety of my adult life. The only break I got wasn't really a break at all. I spent almost a year pregnant, swollen and unattractive, and another year with a child attached to my breasts. So if we're calling that a break, I just have to say, I disagree.
But never mind that.  I can get over it.  I really can.  I understand that you have a purpose and a function in nature and all that. And things could be worse. If you never came around I would have to worry about your whereabouts.  Are my hormones out of whack?  Are you getting ready for the pitter patter of little feet?  I'm not in a good place for little feet right now, so I truly and warmly welcome your presence.
But I just have this one question. Why have you decided that you need to come earlier and more often? I think we see each other plenty. I really do. Once a month has been working out great for the past 12 years. So the past 3 times? When you've decided that you need to stop by and see me every 3 weeks? That's totally NOT cool. You should rethink your visiting schedule if you want to stay on good terms with me.

Thanks a lot,

Jen

19 October 2007

An Open Letter to Dr. Bob

Dear Dr. Bob,

I met you yesterday afternoon, at a Toastmasters meeting in Oroville. You, an 85 year old self-ascribed naturopath, gave a speech on glasses. You told us about the various unregulated herbs, special exercises, acupuncture points, and pinhole glasses one can use to eliminate glasses from their lives. As evidence for this impressive feat, you cited yourself, and you haven't been wearing glasses for 20 years now, and the population of China, of which only 1% wear glasses.

Dr. Bob, I have some points I would like to make. First of all, if anyone ever told me that only 1% of the Chinese population wore glasses, my immediate assumption would be that only 1% both need glasses AND CAN AFFORD THEM. China has a lot of poor people you see, and glasses tend to be an extra expense. I feel certain that in Haiti, LESS than 1% of the population wears glasses, and they don't practice Chinese medicine. However they ARE poor. Your argument is flawed.

Secondly, you appeared at this meeting of lonely people trying to fill their days wearing filthy track pants and a a slightly ripped shirt, looking somewhat like a homeless person. The pinhole glasses, I'm afraid, did not help. I think maybe you SHOULD be wearing glasses. It might help you see the fact that you aren't wearing socks. Watching you rub your face vigorously for two minutes and proceed to massage your earlobes made me feel frankly uncomfortable.

Dr. Bob, you worry me.

Sincerely,

Jennifer

10 October 2007

How to lose yourself

So. Last Friday I went over to Stella's. Saturday I spent the night in Sacramento. Sunday I spent hungover. Monday I went over to Lisa's. Tuesday I spent in Sac.

Today I let Gabriel watch Elmo for an hour straight so I could rectify some things in our apartment. The fact that he didn't have any clean sippy cups for one. The fact that you couldn't see my living room floor for two.

Tomorrow I have a work/cocktail function followed by going to Sac AGAIN with Stella. Friday I'm going down to visit my family, I'll probably get back late Sunday night.

If there are any volunteers to sweep, mop and vacuum, I don't have any objections at all. Because it turns out that when you only use your home for a stopping place in between DrivingAllOVer, it starts to get sort of hard to maintain.

Oh and I don't know if I mentioned that the only way I could get Sprint to overnight my phone was by getting the pink one. So now I'm going to be one of those girls-with-the-pink-phone. Ugh. Maybe I can say that it's for breast cancer awareness or something.

I tried to go to the mall with Stella today, and Gabriel threw an all out kicking and screaming tantrum, so that didn't really work out. Still no haircut, but maybe K will take him tomorrow? I feel like my brain got hit by a tornado.

My favorite questions that I've been asked this week

"Hey do we have a copy machine?"

"Yeah in the copy room."

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"Can you copy something for me?"

"You can copy something for you, in the copy room."

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"So how do we copy stuff?"

"Use the copy machine. In the copy room."

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"Where's the copy room?"

"Right there" (Pointing to the door approximately 10 feet from my desk, with the large sign that says 'copy room')

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"So is there a copy machine in there?" (Pointing at the copy room)

"Yes"

"Can we use it?"

"Yes"

"Can you make copies for me?"

"No"

09 October 2007

Sprint Retention Specialist #2

After opening up a $114 cell phone bill, I was a bit angry this morning. Particularly since my phone died last night, an unfortunate coincidence. I realize that $114 may be normal to some people, but I used 450 of my allotted 550 minutes, and 230 of my 300 text messages, AND THAT IS ALL.

So I call. Foreign person #1 hangs up on me.

I call. Foreign person #2 disconnects the call when transferring me to the retention specialist. After telling me that she can't remove the wrongly charged $40 on my bill because of the database she's working on.

I call. Foreign person #3 says he can fix this, but even after he does, my bill will be $84/month. I threaten to cancel my service. He tells me that if I cancel my service then he won't correct my bill. I let him correct my bill, I get off the phone.

I call. Foreign person #4 transfers me to Sprint retention specialist. I tell SRP that I want to cancel my service because (1) I called in August and they were supposed to lower my bill to $50/month, (2) I called in August and my address update never went through (3) I'm getting a horrid deal, and (4) my phone is broken and I do not wish to pay for a new one OR resign my contract. SRP gives me a $20 credit for my August and September bills ($40). She gives me a $5 credit for my August and September text messaging ($10). She changes my bill so that I have 600 minutes, and up to 500 text messages, for a total monthly bill of $44. She says I can get a phone without resigning a contract. She gives me a $150 credit on my bill for a new phone. She also gives me a $50 rebate. I am a much happier person than I was this morning.

But my phone is still dead, so assume that I DON'T have your phone number.

04 October 2007

Timeline

Ages 1-5 months: I scream inconsolably every night from 6pm-10pm. I have colic.  I cry.

Age 2: I get the first of the two operations on my ears that bring me into the world of sound. My mom doesn't protect me from the nurse.  The nurse takes my temperature and prods me and undresses me.  I scream, I reach for my mom.  She is mending my magenta sheep dress.  She doesn't save me.  I cry.

Age 4: My first day of kindergarten, I walk into the room, and stand frozen in the entry way. A boy I already know is in my class, he comes up to me, takes my hand, and has me sit down next to him.  I try to be Very Brave, but I cry.

Age 10: I tell Adrienne how easy it would be to ditch school by crawling under the back fence, she says "Let's do it tomorrow. We'll meet before class" The next day I've completely forgotten. She finds me at first recess, and tells me that we still have to ditch because she didn't bring any of her books to school today. I agree, and we walk about two miles to her house. Adults are frightened and furious. Adrienne and I aren't friends anymore.  I cry.

Age 11: The sixth grade is playing a baseball game versus their parents. My dad hits a boy in my class, Mike in the back of the head with a baseball as he's running to third base. Mike then leads a campaign by the entire class to take the cupcakes my mom made for the event and throw them over the back fence. I cry.

Age 14: A couple of older guys that Jasmine and Nici know are coming to pick us up before school starts.  We're ditching. No one believes I'll come. I insist that I will.  I'm tired of being so impossibly good and boring.  I get in the car. As we're pulling around to leave the school, I tell the driver to stop the car, and I get out, and go to class. I wait till I get home, and I cry.

Age 17: I go to a party after one of our school plays. I drink WAY too much, I puke all over Alicia's bathroom. I don't get invited to any more parties.  I cry.

Age 24: I finish grad school and go on welfare.  I cry.

Thursday is damn close to Friday, which is good

Well my first graduation organization attempt is coming up, which would be fine if I wasn't expected to MC the thing. Organizing, I am very VERY good at. I essentially have my master's degree in organizing. Talking to a couple hundred people, especially when the focus is a career ABOUT WHICH I KNOW NOTHING, not so much.

I've decided NOT to visit my family this weekend. Next weekend perhaps. I'm really just not in the mood to drive lately.

Elmo is killing my brain cells. It's my fault, because I was the one who initially put it on for Gabriel, but I really needed to do the dishes and his baby signs video was just not doing it for him anymore. So I busted out Elmo. And oh how I regret that day. Now he sits in front of the TV (WHEN IT'S OFF) saying, "Elmo mama? Elmo? Please? Elmo please? Mama? Elmo? Elmo please mama? I want Elmo. Elmo? TV? Elmo TV? Elmo? Mama! Mama! Mama! Mama! Elmo? Elmo? Elmo mama?" until I submit, he throws a tantrum, or I do something a good parent should do like take him outside, or set up an art project, or help him with his blocks, or something. That last one is the LEAST likely scenario.

Friday I have no real plans, which means that I'll probably do something incredibly cool like fall asleep when I put Gabriel down to bed. Saturday I committed K to babysitting, but I don't have plans yet, so I'm open to suggestion. Sunday I'm working for Darci.

OH OH and on Saturday Gabriel is getting his hair cut! I've been lobbying for a haircut for at least a month, and it turns out that I just had to stop combing his hair to get things to go my way. Although right now he sort of has dreadlocks on the back of his head. Oh well.

03 October 2007

But then But then

This weekend I have been contemplating a trip to Santa Cruz. My dad's stepfather is apparently dying, and I love my grandmother, so I feel like I should go down and see him. Plus some of my dad's sisters are going to be in town, so I SHOULD go. But then Gabriel's sort of a pain in the ass to travel with, and I'm not sure what the sleeping situation is with my family already having visitors, so I'd like to leave him with K. But then I wouldn't see him all weekend, and I already don't feel like I see my baby love enough. But then if K kept him he would want me to not leave until Saturday. But then I have to be back on Sunday so that's a lot of driving. But then K would meet us down in San Jose perhaps on Saturday and take Gabe for the rest of the weekend. But then that's a LOT of driving for Gabe. So bah humbug, I'm not going. So do I go next weekend? I'm tired of driving, I don't WANNA!

And what should I do on Saturday, I have a babysitter, and no plans just yet.

02 October 2007

Material Objects that Make Me Drool

I'm getting to the point in my life that dryer balls sound deliciously appealing.
I already made the nod to environmentalism and have a (now quite beat up) Klean Kanteen, but this is SO much prettier. Sigg's definitely got the edge.
I never knew that I need a very clever hot pink cutting board until today.
Le Creuset is still giving me orgasms, particularly this and this.
For reasons unknown, I have been uncharacteristically jealous of everyone who has a slow cooker.
I don't particularly think that this would work in my apartment, but that doesn't stop me from feeling like I NEED it.
Speaking of, here is another gorgeous lighting concept that I could never use.
It seems grossly unfair that everyone gets a Kitchenaid but me. If it was green, I might die happy.
Hand-dyed wool yarn. Is there such a thing as heaven on Earth?
Gabriel NEEDS these toys.
This glassware, slightly different pattern same concept, used to come in a set of 6, which I used to own. I have three left, I would very much like these.
Aside from the fact that I want to roll around naked in this store and never shop anywhere else, I most especially like this dress, and this coat. On top of that, these shoes complete me. And don't forget their home decor!! I think these dessert plates would soothe my soul.
And finally, my mom got me a couple of these shockingly expensive t-shirts for my birthday, and they make me feel pretty like nothing else in my wardrobe, so if I could live in only them, that would be nice.

How to distinguish my apartment from a garbage heap

This is a typical week for my apartment:
  • It is clean and organized and "away" on Sunday.
  • Monday nights, K watches Gabe at my house, and I get home at around nine, typically to some sort of chaos which I make no attempt to deal with (or if we're following grammar rules, "that I make no attempt with which to deal").
  • Tuesday after work I pick up again, do my dishes, remove larger pieces of debris, vacuum, etc. etc.
  • Wednesday it looks okay, maybe a little rough around the edges. I usually don't do anything to my house beyond washing my dishes, possibly cleaning up GIANT messes.
  • Thursday my house is a disaster. I can guarantee that there are crackers smashed into my couch, juice spilled on my floor, dirty laundry all over the house, a sink full of dishes. It looks like the home of a degenerate college student.
  • Friday I start the picking up process again.
  • Saturday I mop, vacuum my furniture, clean my bathroom.
  • Sunday I restore order, and we start over again.
Well this week Sunday and Monday have gone as expected (in other words, my house is a mess right now). But I have some stuff I need to take care of after work today, and I'm not sure if I can put it back to rights (which is what I do on Tuesday--make a half hearted attempt to restore order), and that, combined with the fact that I am probably leaving town this weekend, leaves me worried about what kind of disaster I am going to have to deal with this week.

P.S. I'm CRAZY. Why should I be okay with a messy house if it falls on a certain day of the week? That, my friends, is some kind of sign of some kind of disorder.

P.P.S. Throughout this entry, I kept writing afterwork instead of after work, and my text editor kept telling me "Hey crazy lady that's totally NOT a word" with its red underlining functions, and I'm just staring at it like what? Afterwork. Beforework, afterwork, I don't get it. Like today, TODAY I am convinced that is a word.

01 October 2007

My weekend in haiku

Gabriel's bedtime
Lie down for just a minute
Wake up Saturday

Sunshine on rain drops
Lovely market morning ride
Gashed bloody ankle

The park's pirate ship
Laughing, slipping down the slides
Nap the whole ride home

Clean house, self, baby
Drop him off with Lees goodbye
One night of grown up

Gin and foreign films
Plus forbidden cigarettes
My world fantastic

Dismal football game
Lazy napping on the couch
Sunny Sunday Peace