12 December 2007

Things can't be helped by worrying, but I can't help but worry

  • Will K's consistent inconsistencies throughout Gabriel's childhood permanently damage my son's ability to trust others and engage in meaningful relationships?
  • Could K putting "spend time with son" last on his agenda leave my son with an attachment disorder?
  • Will I somehow be blamed for this?
  • How long can I reasonably be expected to bend over backwards to ensure that my son spends time with his father, when his father doesn't bend at all?
  • At what point do I clearly determine whether it is more damaging to have a flaky, inconsistent, completely non-dependable father figure, or to have no father figure at all?
  • Will K ever realize that loving his son means that Gabriel comes before EVERYTHING else?
  • Will he ever understand that taking Gabriel to school in the morning and spending a few hours with him in the evening is not the same thing as being a full-time engaged parent?
  • Am I wasting my time?
  • Is there something wrong with me, that I have devoted myself so completely to giving my son the time I think he deserves with his father, even when I'm not being met at all, let alone half way?
  • Is it better to include dad in family activities that occur at my home, or to exclude him, and try to make him plan his own activities?
  • How can he ever, EVER take Gabriel for any meaningful amount of time if he doesn't even have a home to take him to?
  • How long can I allow him to spend time with Gabriel at my home before that just gets weird?
  • Isn't it already weird?
  • What do I say when Gabriel asks me, "Where's Dada's house?"
  • What do I say when Gabriel asks me, "Where's Dada?"
  • How can you not see that Gabriel is fantastic and amazing and beautiful and sensitive and loving and funny and curious and bright and open and full of wonder?
  • If you do see it, and I think (hope?) you do, how can you not do more for him? For me?

2 comments:

  1. Oh sweetheart! ITs horrible, I realise, Gabriel will be fine becasue he has you as a loving constant in his little world (and you are there no matter what) He also has plenty of boy influence due to there being entirely too many boys per girl in your family. Whe he grows up he will understand what you went through and will recognise that daddy is a douchebag and still love him anyway. DONT WORRY. youre doing better than I could ever hope to do. However you do make a valid oint in every one of these worries.

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  2. Your little boy will grown up just fine! He's got you for his mama and you are wonderful, loving and caring so he will not grow up with an attachment disorder. His daddy is a piece of crap and not worth your time anymore. If he does not want to make his son important to him you really cannot force it. Just set up a visitation schedule and if he does not keep to it then well you tried! You cannot make him love his son like he should. And all you really can tell that little boy is that you love him and daddy does too. Then do your best to change the subject. As long as you make Gabriel available to his father to visit there is no one who will every hold you accountable.

    Now I have to apologize for missing your party today...I feel like crap. Not only do I have the yucky flu but I am also saddled with my 10 year old cousin for the weekend because his mother is a worthless tweaker and his father is in jail...nough said lol. I'll make it up to ya soon with some coffee!

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I live for validation.