21 December 2007

Nothing hurts like nothing at all

I may not have a Christmas present for Gabriel come Tuesday, which is unfortunate, at best. Well I'll have something for him, but not his main, bit I'm SOO excited to give it to him present. Ugh. Luckily his birthday and his Christmas are VERY close. And he's two, so I can give it to him on the 26th and he'll likely not care too much.

I'm really pretty excited about our Christmas party tomorrow. One of the reasons I moved here was the built in social life of already being friends with all of my neighbors, but since I've been working full time in O-RO-VILLE, I haven't even SEEN any of them for months it seems like. Going to bed at 9 every night doesn't exactly help.

Speaking of OROVILLE, I was informed today that my job will be shifting from my current 8-430 to 8-5 starting January 7th. Okay, that's still 8 hours, because I'll take a longer lunch, and it only technically adds .5 hour to my day. But. That. Sucks. That means Gabe's in daycare for almost 11 hours a day. See, if I leave at 430, I can get to his daycare by 5 most days, sometimes 505 or 510, but the drive's never TOO long. Leaving at 5 is a WORLD of difference. It'll take me at least 45 minutes, instead of at most. And I already spend every. single. weekday. feeling guilty about how much time Gabe spends being raised by other people. I know I KNOW that most of America does it every day, but I just want to raise my kid. If I could pick one thing that would make me really, really happy, I would like to have Gabriel raised mostly by me, instead of mostly by underpaid daycare providers who are simultaneously in charge of 11 other children under 2. And I think Gabriel goes to a really good center, don't get me wrong. Okay, daily rant about my never ending guilt and angst and bad feeling in the pit of my stomach about seeing the one person I love the most in the whole world for less than 3 hours a day? Over.
Okay it's not quite over I have this to add: I DO want to do other things and see grownups and have time for myself, and I DO those things, and I'm glad that I do because otherwise I would have to borrow a cordless drill and give myself a frontal lobotomy, but even then, it's like, every evening that I choose to have K watch Gabriel, or I decide to go to the gym, or whatever, that's a WHOLE DAY that I don't see Gabriel, and that sucks. What kind of life is that? Why should any parent have to choose not to see their child just to get any simple thing accomplished? What is wrong with America?

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