If you care about me at all

Dear Red,

Listen, because I need to talk to you.  I feel like up to now I've been very patient and understanding. I've lived with you for almost the entirety of my adult life. The only break I got wasn't really a break at all. I spent almost a year pregnant, swollen and unattractive, and another year with a child attached to my breasts. So if we're calling that a break, I just have to say, I disagree.
But never mind that.  I can get over it.  I really can.  I understand that you have a purpose and a function in nature and all that. And things could be worse. If you never came around I would have to worry about your whereabouts.  Are my hormones out of whack?  Are you getting ready for the pitter patter of little feet?  I'm not in a good place for little feet right now, so I truly and warmly welcome your presence.

But I just have this one question. Why have you decided that you need to come earlier and more often? I think we see each other plenty. I really do. Once a month has been working out great for the past 12 years. So the past 3 times? When you've decided that you need to stop by and see me every 3 weeks? That's totally NOT cool. You should rethink your visiting schedule if you want to stay on good terms with me.

Thanks a lot,

Jen